How not to insult your partner
What is mentalization? How do we develop this ability and what role does it serve in preserving our relationships?
“He knows I hate when he does this but he keeps on doing it! I can’t deal with this anymore! I explained to him thousands of times not to say this to me! Of course I am going to yell at him! He only does it to annoy me, he thinks I can’t see through his games!”
We often tend to hear these words after some arguments between couples. She talks about what he “does”; but what is happening underneath this? What was going on in his mind to repeatedly do what he realizes annoys her? This formulation already includes a sense of curiosity about mental states, a hallmark of mentalization.
Mentalization has been defined as one’s ability to be aware of mental states of the self and others, as a determinant of one’s actions. Taking it one step further, it includes both an affective (emotional) and a cognitive component, the former relating to one’s capacity to feel with the other and the latter relating to the recognition of the affect (feeling) and perspective-taking. Both these components have been identified as playing a key role in understanding behaviours as governed by intentions, feelings and beliefs, unique and personal to each. It is thus argued that a conflict could be partly due to a misunderstanding of these beliefs, a failure to take the other’s perspective, in other words, a break in mentalization.
How does the mentalizing capacity develop in infancy and childhood?
Mentalization has been theorized to develop within the context of a secure attachment relationship with the caregiver. In these instances, the mother helps the child slowly understand that his mind is separate from hers, meaning he has different needs, beliefs and thoughts than her. This initially creates frustration, as needs are not satisfied instantly. However, with repeated interaction and synchronicity between mother and infant, the child slowly learns to control his impulses and manage his frustration, by relying on the mother to acknowledge his needs and comfort him.
Within the secure attachment relationship, the mother voices the child’s feelings and intentions, giving them meaning outside of his mind, helping him realize he has an impact on the external world. If we apply this to the example of anxiety, it is initially felt by the child as a confusing mix of physiological and emotional uncomfortable experiences, which he cannot yet explain. The mother, in this case, not only mirrors the child’s feelings but gives it meaning by showing him she knows what that feeling is. Through his development, the child learns that he can rely on his mother to help him make sense of his world, mirroring, naming and containing his affect, a key component in the development of mentalization. The mother has therefore helped the child build a bridge between internal and external worlds, providing him with a representational map, an internal working model of the self and others as stable and reliable.
This bridge between physical and emotional worlds is only possible through sensitive parenting, which teaches the child to wonder about the underlying affective states explaining physical experiences. The child is seen as a mental agent, understanding that his behaviours have an effect on the external environment and is able to modify it in his favour. Within a healthy developmental environment, the child is able to integrate these modes and develop early stages of mentalization, using the caregiver’s elaborative mirroring. According to Stern (1985), thoughts are perceived as real by the child, and can only be represented mentally through their recognition by more mature minds. Self-agency, therefore, develops through the acknowledgement of the child’s intentional stance.
In summary, mentalizing capacities help in predicting behaviours, facilitating the distinction and relation between reality and appearance, improving communication and making meaningful connections between internal and external worlds.
Failure to mentalize: what could it look like?
Mentalization was conceptualized as comprising a self-reflective component as well as an interpersonal one, with an emphasis that the hallmark of reflectiveness is not only to recognize mental states but also to be able to link and be aware of the interaction between mental states underlying the self and others’ behaviours.
This is learned throughout childhood development and peaks in adolescence, characterized by a qualitative shift in the way adolescents perceive and make sense of themselves and the world. The cognitive, social and emotional developments occurring during this stage allow them to be more self-aware and reflective, holding in mind different, at times contradicting, perspectives in a strategic manner. This is achieved by open lines of communication between parents and adolescents, as reflective parents help their offspring acknowledge and make sense of the dynamic shift in feelings and intentions based on the interpersonal situation, whether within the family or between peer groups and romantic relationships.
In cases of insecure attachment, a false sense of self develops in the child. In these instances, failed mirroring occurs due to a discrepancy between the infant’s feelings and their representations by the mother. Dismissing parents tend to reject their children’s signals in stressful situations because they awaken unresolved past trauma. The parents, therefore, provide inappropriate mirroring of affect to the child which creates an insecure-avoidant response in them. Preoccupied parents tend to be more focused on their own feelings with current issues or past attachment figures, and are therefore unable to attend to the infant’s needs, or respond excessively in order to compensate for previous negative experiences, which leads to an insecure-resistant child.
Fast forward to adulthood, going back to our initial example, some unspoken reactions could have been “you act just like my dad” or “you’re always so glad to see me angry” or even “you don’t even care if we resolve this”. All these potential thoughts would spiral her into more non-mentalizing cycles, failing to take into account thinking about her partner’s mental states and considering other potential explanations for this problem. She failed to consider his own intentionality, with his thoughts and beliefs being separate and different to hers. She used a concrete egocentric problem-solving strategy.
Usually, with repeated interactions, mentalization becomes automatic, happening outside our conscious awareness. We become used to being curious about why the other is behaving in a specific manner. However, sometimes this natural capacity is hindered, making it difficult to be flexible in understanding ourselves and the other. This “failing to mentalize” is sometimes seen in cases of stress and high emotional arousal, such as conflict or disagreements with the partner, making it more difficult to think in terms of mental states, to regulate affective experiences or to consider different perspectives. This is explained by the neurobiological research finding that, in response to stress, our brain tends to switch to fight-or-flight response mode, shutting off the cognitive complex task of mentalization in favour of a more basic survival one. In simpler terms, we become defensive, pushing perceived danger away.
What can be done about it?
When we are unable to mentalize, we seek the help of others, similar to what we tend to do in childhood, looking at the mother as a mirror and facilitator of understanding our inner world and that of others. In adulthood, a friend, partner or therapist could fill in those shoes.
Thinking of our initial problem, couples’ therapists emphasize the importance of communication, active listening, empathy and perspective-taking in resolving conflicts. A mentalization-based intervention in reaction to this woman’s anger could include challenging her making sense of her partner’s reaction
- What else do you think could explain his behaviour and why he is doing this yet again?
- Don’t know, told you, he wants to annoy me, he enjoys seeing me scream at him
- That must make you very angry! What do you think makes him enjoy seeing you this mad?
-
I don’t know, maybe he doesn’t, maybe he just doesn’t get it
This dialogue opens up the door to encourage her curiosity about what might be going on for the other, away from concrete actions, more towards his feelings or misunderstanding of her, opening up a potential conversation between them rather than acting out. This mentalizing capacity allows her to be less rigid in seeing multiple perspectives of this argument. She is not confined in seeing her partner as persecutory towards her, in turn increasing her anger and reaction towards him.
In sum, one way not to insult your partner could be to stop and rewind, focusing on the mind rather than behaviours. Based on the main competencies of Mentalization-Based Treatment, in order to increase mentalization one must a) acknowledge we cannot know what is going on in the mind of the other, b) make an active guess as to what might be going on in the other’s inner world, c) check-in to make sure this hypothesis stands and d) challenge and be flexible in looking for alternative explanations. Mentalizing is an active process we refine throughout the lifespan making us more efficient in solving stressful and emotionally-arousing conflicts, specifically between partners. The solution lies in understanding what is going on for the other, while acknowledging differences in opinion, thus reaching a hallmark of mentalization: my mind is different than yours.
Dr. Pia Tohme Khalaf has graduated with a Ph.D. from University College London, investigating parental mentalizing capacities with regards to their adolescent identical twins and its effects on attachment security. She is also trained in the Approach to Parenting Teenagers from the Open Door Young People’s consultation services and in Mentalization-Based Therapy for Adolescents, as well as its application in a school setting, from the Anna Freud National Centre for Children and Families. Dr. Tohme Khalaf currently works with children, adolescents and their parents in private practice, based on attachment and mentalization principles and teaches on a part-time basis at the Lebanese American University. She also consults at the Association of Justice and Mercy, working with prisoners and their families, as part of an interdisciplinary approach towards their social reinsertion. Her main research interests focus on the cross-cultural application of the construct of attachment in Lebanon, as well as the role played by mentalization in our culture, in promoting healthy development from infancy through to adolescence.
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