Heartful Listening & the Feedback Wheel Communication Techniques
There is a difference between hearing with our ears and listening with our heart.
I am calling the latter “HEARTFUL listening”.
Mark Nepo, World renowned Poet, author, lecturer, college professor, reports:
Two heart cells from 2 different people, when placed in a Petri Dish, will begin to beat with the same rhythm.
Is this not a precious miracle?
And if 2 “body-less” cells have the ability to connect with one another and beat in Harmony with one another, then surely, 2 humans who are contained in the miraculous vessel that we call the body can also learn to create a space where they can connect.
It simply begins with Willingness:
- Willingness to know and to honor that my truths, perceptions, feelings, thoughts and beliefs are part of me and I am entitled to them.
- Willingness also to know and honor that your truths, perceptions, feelings, thoughts and beliefs are part of you and you are also entitled to them
- When two people find this Willingness to speak and listen to these truths, perceptions, feelings, thoughts and beliefs, they are creating the space for their hearts to begin to beat in Unison.
If two people are willing to communicate in this manner, there is a wonderful communication tool that they can use to facilitate perfect harmony. This tool is called the “feedback wheel”, and has been used and taught by very famous relationship theorists such as Pia Melody, John Bradshaw, Terry Real and many more. Here is the tool and a brief description on how to use it.
Feedback Wheel
This tool enables those who use it to take responsibility for his/her actions, thoughts, and emotions and ask for what he/she needs. In all relationships, each person must be willing to know what they want and must be willing to ask for what they want. The feedback wheel has four steps:
1. What you saw or heard about the event in question. This step can be described as “just the facts”.
2. Your perception about the situation. 3. How you feel about it.
4. What you would like to have happen in the future. What your request is.
The
first step
requires that you stick to the FACTS–the observable behaviours of both you and your partner. This step enables a person to be objective and it needs to be done after one has calmed down and can speak rationally. When one is calm, they can speak from their perspective or from the “I”. This step enables the listener to be open to what is being said as opposed to feeling the need to be defensive and thus not be able to truly listen in that “heartful manner”.
The
second step
is the speaker’s subjective interpretation of the facts. In this step, the speaker takes responsibility for how they interpreted the event.
Step three
has the speaker identify how they felt about the action that is being discussed.
It’s important to stop and differentiate between feelings and beliefs. We often state beliefs instead of feelings when we say, “I feel.” For example:
Belief: It made me feel as though you thought I was stupid. Feeling: I felt shame, sad, angry, afraid.
Beliefs are interpretations–and they can often be construed as blaming. Feelings are the actual emotions you felt in the situation–what came up for you in the moment.
The fourth, and
final, step
requires that you ask for what you want. Your partner may have hurt you but the punishment isn’t that he/she must magically guess what needs to happen in the future. That’s still your job. You are responsible for moving beyond your hurt and asking your significant other what he/she can do to help you in that process.
This tool, when mastered is a magical tool. When I use it correctly, I am seen as a person that is helping bring forth Harmony in our world. When I use it, people unconsciously know that I am a safe, clear, and compassionate person. Clarity, self-responsibility, and safety all work together to allow 2 people to create an experience in which their hearts can beat as one.
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Suzanne is a qualified Psychotherapist, based in Loveland, United States.
With a commitment to mental health, Ms Carter provides services in English, including Child and Adolescent Services, Coaching (Life), Conflict Management, Counselling (Divorce), Counselling (Family), Drama Therapy, Ukraine Aid, Psychology (Clinical), Psychotherapy (Child), School Service (Child and Adolescent) and Wellness.
Ms Carter has expertise in Abuse (Emotional / Physical), Adolescent Counselling, Anxiety Disorders (Phobias), Bereavement and Loss, Child and/or Adolescent Issues, Depression, Domestic Violence, Forgiveness, Isolation and Trauma.
Click here to schedule a session with Ms Carter.
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