Expat Blues: A Quiet Invitation Home to Yourself

You’ve made the move. New country, new language, new air. You might have imagined this would be a fresh start—a chance to finally feel free, alive, more yourself. And yet, not long after unpacking the last box or learning how to order coffee in the local language, something unexpected settles in: a quiet sadness, or a heavy kind of fog. Not quite a crisis, but not the freedom you imagined either. Now you’re sitting in your beautiful apartment in Lisbon or Berlin or wherever, staring at a ceiling that feels a bit too quiet.

This is what is called the Expat Blues. It often feels like depression—but beneath that fog, there’s something more interesting going on. In fact, I want to suggest something strange (but hopeful): what you’re feeling might be an opportunity. An invitation, actually.

Let’s get this out of the way first: depression is painful. It can be paralysing, foggy, numb, or quietly brutal. But it’s also, in many cases, a signal, not a life sentence. As Gabor Maté says, "The question is not why the addiction or depression, but why the pain?" And as a therapist who works mostly with internationals, I see this pattern all the time: a new country cracks something open in us. And what spills out isn't always Instagram-worthy.

The Myth of the Fresh Start

Many of us moved abroad to feel more alive, more free, more ourselves. But the irony is that we brought ourselves with us. All the old patterns, buried emotions, unresolved losses—they fit neatly in your carry-on luggage.

In a familiar environment, it’s easier to distract ourselves. Friends, language, career routines—we know how to numb the signals and keep certain thoughts and feelings in the background. But in a new place, when our usual systems break down, something interesting happens: we start hearing ourselves more clearly.

Old questions may resurface: What do I really want? Who am I when no one expects anything from me? Am I lonely, or just finally quiet enough to hear myself?

That can feel unsettling—even frightening.

But in that discomfort, something essential begins to stir.

Peter Levine, the father of somatic experiencing, would say: the body keeps the score (and yes, Bessel van der Kolk turned that phrase into a whole book). What you’re feeling isn’t just “sadness.” It’s years of unprocessed tension, unlived truths, and unloved parts of yourself finally speaking up—in a new language.

But I Came Here to Be Happy!

Yes. And that’s beautiful. But maybe the version of you that wanted happiness had the wrong idea of what happiness looks like. A quote I love from Andrei Tarkovsky (who understood the soul better than many psychologists) goes something like this: “The purpose of art is to prepare a person for death.” Which sounds morbid, but it’s not. What he meant, I think, is that beauty and truth require stripping illusions.

So does psychotherapy.

For many people I work with, moving abroad brings up those deeper layers. A sense of not belonging doesn’t start with immigration—it often began much earlier in life. The distance from one’s culture or language can surface emotions we didn’t know we’d been carrying. And that can be painful—but also clarifying. The question of identity is often at the heart of this experience.

Carl Rogers believed that when we’re given the right conditions—empathy, congruence, and acceptance—we naturally grow. But often, what grows first is discomfort. But that movement doesn’t always look or feel like progress. Sometimes it feels like falling apart. Sometimes it feels like silence, grief, confusion. Because that’s what happens when we stop pretending.

Reconnecting With the Real You

In my experience, depression—especially for expats—is often the soul's way of asking: who are you when no one’s watching? When you're not performing in your old culture, or playing your old roles?

But these are not signs of failure. They are signs of transformation. Sadhguru (yes, the bearded motorcycle guy) talks about suffering as a doorway to awareness. If you resist it, you suffer more. But if you lean in, if you observe without judgment, something else appears: clarity. Presence. Maybe even… a kind of liberation.

The pursuit of happiness can be misleading, especially when it's reduced to external achievements or picture-perfect lives. What many people are truly seeking is connection—to themselves, to others, and to something meaningful.

But connection requires presence. And presence is born from slowing down, from being willing to feel—even when it’s uncomfortable.

In therapy, people often come saying, “I shouldn’t feel this way.” But the truth is, feelings don’t ask for permission. They show up. And when we give them space, without judgment, they often lead us somewhere unexpected. Somewhere real.

Things That Might Help (Besides Another Language Class)

1. Don’t rush to “fix” your sadness. Instead, sit with it. Be curious. Let it show you something.

2. Reach out for support—not advice, not forced positivity, but someone who can sit with you in the complexity of it all.

3. Start noticing what feels real. Maybe it’s that weird poem you wrote last night. Or how you feel when you walk near water. These are clues. Follow them.

4. Move your body. Slowly. Kindly. Let it speak. Not to burn calories, but to hear what's stored inside.

Siberian Truth

I was born in Siberia, where the winters are long and honest. They don’t pretend to be summer. And I think our inner lives deserve the same kind of honesty.

So if you’re feeling low, confused, directionless… maybe that’s not a crisis. Maybe it’s the quiet knock of something true, asking to come in. Something tired of pretending. Something ready to breathe again.

You’re not failing at being an expat. You’re doing the deeper work of becoming human.

And that? That’s worth staying curious about.

Katya is a qualified Psychotherapist (Integrative), based in Lisboa, Cascais, Portugal.

With a commitment to mental health, Mrs Kuhn provides services in English and Russian, including Awareness, Counselling (Divorce), Counselling (Trauma), Online Counselling / Phone Therapy, Psychotherapy, Psychotherapy (Individual), Psychotherapy (Integrative), Therapy, Therapy (Individual), Therapy (Online) and Therapy (Personal Growth).

Mrs Kuhn has expertise in Adjusting to Change/Life Transitions, Burnout, Depression, Expat Living, Life Balance, Mood Swings / Mood Disturbance, Online Counselling, Personal Growth, Self-Esteem and Trauma.

Click here to schedule a session with Mrs Kuhn.

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