Cultivating Self-Compassion Using Parts Work In Therapy - An Illustration

This vignette illustrates how one can use what is known as Parts Work borrowed from the Internal Family Systems (IFS) model to help adults connect with a wounded younger self [of theirs] that needs healing.

In the IFS model, the psyche is considered to be a complex system of interactive parts, where each part has a positive intention and value, and gets activated at different times. The different parts have minds of their own, and their roles and strategy for helping or coping may not necessarily be the best, as they may distort the present based on experiences in the past. Two such dysfunctional roles are the protectors and the exiles. The protectors try to protect us from psychic pain, and the exiles are young child parts that are in pain, and are pushed away by the protectors. The IFS model focuses on these extreme parts in order to heal and transform them to take on more healthy roles.

Our true Self is mature and loving and has the capacity to heal and integrate our wounded parts. The relationship between the client's Self and their many individual parts is considered to be the primary agent of psychological healing in IFS, although a lot of value is also placed on the therapeutic relationship as in other traditional attachment focused therapies, I’ve found this model to be especially useful when working with adults who grew up with Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN). Such adults are highly attuned to the emotions and needs of others, but find it hard to identify their own emotions, wants/likes and needs. They are, therefore, quite cut off or dissociated from their own needs, and often treat themselves and their younger selves with blame and negative judgment. Parts Work helps such adults to sow and cultivate the seeds of self-compassion that then acts as a catalyst in their healing process.

Vignette

“And there is something I wanted to talk to you about”, my client said, mid-way into our session. “I’ve found that when I am texting these guys that I am dating, I am often overcome by feelings of exhaustion, that I just have to stop and rest. I feel so very tired.”

[Therapist's speech is marked in bold in the following script.]

“Tell me more… what does this exhaustion feel like to you”.

I feel so very tired, depleted, that I have to just go and lie down. It usually happens when I have to make a decision, about plans to get together and do something fun… It’s like my mind is switching off.

Turning off?

Yes, like a shut-down.

The experience that my client has described above is what is known as a trailhead in the IFS model, that if followed is going to lead to interesting information about parts of the client. In this trailhead, the client clearly identifies the “shutting down” (protector) part, so this is the part that we will focus on, to understand what it’s function is and what in particular it is trying to protect the client from.

Is there an image or word that comes up for you for this part that shuts down?

[Client shakes her head.]

What would you like to call it?

Just… shutting-down part.

Alright, let’s get to know this part. As you get centred in your mature, grounded Self, what do you feel towards this part?

Curiosity… I just wish it wouldn’t come up so much though… [laughs]

This part of you, that wants the “shutting down” part to just go away, or not work so hard, could we ask it to step aside for a bit, so that you can relate with the shutting down part with only curiosity and compassion?

Yes, that’s what I am feeling towards it now [i.e., only curiosity and compassion].

Ok, let’s get to understand this part. What is it afraid would happen if it didn’t come up, and have you shut down?

I am not sure…

Is there anything, any pain, any memory that this shutting-down part is trying to protect you from? [Here, I am trying to access the exile that is being protected by the shutting-down part.]

As you say that, the image that comes up for me is my first break-up, a few years after college… I was feeling a lot of pain, and I don’t want to feel that.

How old are you [then]?

Just after college, so in my early, mid-twenties…

What would you like to call this part, this younger self?

Hmmm… just the 23-year-old.

Okay, before we connect more with this part, let’s reassure the shutting-down part that you need to connect with the 23-year-old part that is carrying a lot of pain, so that you can heal that part. Is the shutting-down part able to step aside, just for this session, so that we can work with the 23-year-old? Can the shutting-down part trust that you can handle this?

[Client checks within]: Yes.

What do you feel towards this 23-year-old self?

A lot of compassion… she is so naïve. I mean that as a positive.

Great. I want you to connect with her. Where is she? What would she like you to know?

The client gives the context of the memory.

I am in my first relationship, and the guy… I see that he is interested in my friend. I am happy if they find something special, but I want to know, so I ask him about it… and ask him if he is interested in her. He denies it, but at the same time, he is unable to commit to me, so we decide to take a break to think things over. After the break, we decide to break up. Soon after, I learnt that he was dating my friend, even before our break-up!

How is the 23-year-old feeling?

Disbelief… Stunned… Betrayed…

A lot of pain…

Yes, and I find it so hard to really trust someone again… How can I ever know if I can trust someone? There was also this other time, I was dating someone, and he hid from me that he was an alcoholic…

[long pause... The client is focused inward]

Yes, the 23-year-old-self was very naive… However, your mature Self, how you are now, is wiser… You can find out about someone you are dating… You can get more information… You can ask questions …Yes?

The client was not being very verbally expressive about what she is thinking and feeling, so, in the statement above, I verbalize what I am tuning into, and check in with her. My choice of words is, of course, very influenced by my inner state. In this instance, the reason I chose “You can ask questions” probably has to do with the fact that I had recently been re-reading the book “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz. The Third Agreement in this book states that one must not make assumptions, but should ask questions to clarify, and this is something that I have been working on, for my personal growth. Somehow, this statement “You can ask questions”, at this instant, when received by the client, serves as a bridge for the client to connect with the source of her negative beliefs and assumptions (in a much younger exile).

Client pauses, hesitating…

What’s coming up for you?

I am afraid that others will find me annoying and intrusive if I ask questions…

Who is telling you that? Where did you get that message?

I can clearly remember when I was about eight years old… Whenever I was curious, I was told I was annoying…

[Client looks away, eyes downcast]

Do you have a specific memory?

Not a specific one… many memories…

How are you feeling towards the 8-year-old self?

[We are now going to do healing work with the 8-year-old exile. The client had already shared with me memories of her childhood emotional neglect in previous sessions.]

A lot of compassion… Yes, I remember, whenever I was alive, full of energy, I was dismissed, or ignored, not even noticed, and the light would just fade in me, and I would shut down… [Client’s eyes light up with the recognition of the source of her shutting down part]

Ah… So that is what the shutting down is about… Afraid to be your alive self, curious and joyful, afraid you will be put down and dismissed…

Yes… [Tears up] I feel a lot of grief.

Yes, so much grief for what the little girl had to give up… Not seeing the eyes of the other light up when she enters the room… What does she need from you now? Can you give that to her?

I am hugging her, and letting her know she is special…

Great. [Giving client time] Is there anything else she needs from you?

No… It is hard for me to give her, to treat her how I treat all the other children. I always treat them like they are special, I smile and acknowledge them and give them all my attention. But it is hard for me to stay like that with my younger self…

Client tears up again, as she connects with her deep feelings of grief, and recognizes her difficulty in giving love and nurturance to her [younger] self.

Since we only have a few minutes left, I would like to check in with your “shutting down” part. Can you check in with the part and see if it can take a back seat, and not completely take over you, when you feel alive and engaged.

It is going to try.

Great. You’ve done a lot of work today… I want you to be kind to yourself, and especially to your younger self, and give her the acknowledgement and nurturance so that she can feel loved and accepted by you.

Client nods. We plan to continue with the parts work in the next session.

In subsequent sessions, the client will learn to connect and stay with her younger self (exile part) for longer periods of time with compassion and love, thereby enabling the healing of her childhood wounds.

I hope the above vignette has piqued your interest in learning more about the transformational possibilities using the IFS model. Jay Earley’s book “Self-Therapy” is a great introduction to Internal Family Systems Therapy and provides a step-by-step guide to using Parts Work to heal the inner child.

About The Author

Ms. Vinodha Joly, LMFT is a licensed psychotherapist with a private practice in Pleasanton, California. She specializes in treating adults who are the survivors of childhood abuse, childhood emotional neglect and/or domestic violence. Before transitioning to her current vocation as a psychotherapist, Ms. Joly worked as a Computer Engineer in high-tech companies in Silicon Valley. She holds a Masters Degree in Counseling Psychology from Santa Clara University, California, and a Masters Degree in Computer Engineering from the University of Michigan, Ann Arbor.