Coping Skills

By Team TherapyRoute

Coping skills are the things you think and do to handle stress. When a demand feels bigger than what you can easily manage, you cope. This article explains what coping is, how it works, and how to build your own coping skills over time.

What coping is, in short

Coping means the effort you make to deal with a hard situation. Ordinary habits are not coping. A skilled driver changes gears and brakes without thinking, and those smooth automatic actions take almost no effort.

Then a road is closed, or a tyre goes flat.¹ Now effort is needed, and that effort is coping.

Stress research points to two things. First, coping is more than solving the problem in front of you.¹ It also includes handling your feelings about it. Second, no single way of coping is best in every situation, and what helps depends on the situation and on you.

How you read the situation shapes how you cope

Before you cope, you work out what is going on. Researchers call this appraisal. It happens in two steps, and they often overlap. The first step asks what is at stake for you, and the second asks what you can do about it.

The first step is called primary appraisal.¹ It is your judgement about what you stand to lose or gain. How stressful something feels depends on how much the outcome matters to you.¹

If nothing you care about is at stake, the situation will not stress you. If something important is threatened, the stress rises.

Most stressful moments involve more than one thing at stake. Take a student sitting an important exam. The result may affect their marks and their chances of further study, and it also bears on their self-respect and how family and friends see them.

The second step is where you weigh up your options. The core question is simple. Can something be done about this, or not? Some parts of a situation may be open to change while others are fixed.

Meaning matters more than the event itself. The same event affects two people differently, depending on how each one reads it.

Coping is a process that keeps changing

Coping is not a fixed personality trait. It is a process, and it shifts as a situation develops. Older ideas treated coping as a stable style, and people were labelled as avoiders or as the vigilant type.

A study of surgery patients showed this clearly.⁵ Patients were interviewed the night before their operation, and they also filled in a trait questionnaire.

The trait score did not predict how they coped with the real threat.¹ Only the direct look at their actual coping predicted recovery. In that study, the patients who wanted little information recovered more easily than those who sought a great deal of it.¹

It is one study of surgical patients, from 1973, and it is not a reason to avoid information about an operation of your own. Preparing patients in groups before an operation is becoming standard care, and a 2024 review found shorter hospital stays where it is done.⁸ The point here is narrower. What the patients were like in general predicted nothing. What they actually did predicted a great deal.

Your first read is not final. As more information comes in, you can change your appraisal. A later appraisal that follows an earlier one and changes it is called a reappraisal.¹ News from the situation, or from your own reactions, can turn a threat into something manageable, and it can turn something that seemed safe into a worry.

As a situation develops, your reading of it can change. You may learn that you have less control than you first thought. When you find that the main parts of a situation cannot be changed, you tend to shift towards managing your emotions.¹

Direct action may have to wait. That is why coping is best understood as it happens, in real time, rather than as a set style.

Real coping is rarely one clean action. It is a complex mix of many thoughts and actions.¹ Someone facing a serious illness may deal with pain, hospital routines and staff, while also trying to protect their self-image and their relationships with family and friends.

Two jobs coping does: the problem and the feelings

Coping does more than solve problems. It also does less obvious work, helping you keep taking in information about what is happening.¹ It helps you stay steady enough to act and to think.

Within that, coping does two main jobs: one is aimed at the problem causing the distress, and the other is aimed at your emotional response to it. These are called problem-focused coping and emotion-focused coping.¹

Problem-focused coping tackles the situation itself. You make a plan and follow it. You argue for what you want, or persuade the person responsible to change their mind.

Emotion-focused coping works on how you feel. It covers many strategies. You might look for something positive in the situation, accept comfort from someone, or try to put the whole thing out of mind.

Other examples are distancing yourself, playing down the threat, and finding some value in a hard event. This kind of coping is more likely when you decide that nothing can be done to change the situation.¹

Some emotion-focused strategies change what an event means to you, without changing the event itself.¹ You might tell yourself there are bigger things to worry about, or that things could be far worse. The situation has not changed, but it distresses you less.

Not all emotion-focused coping aims to calm you down. Athletes psych themselves up before a contest in just this way.¹

People use both kinds of coping in almost every stressful encounter.¹ In one large study of 1,332 stressful episodes, only 18 involved a single type.⁶ So the two are not alternatives. Nearly always, you work on the problem and on your feelings at the same time.

The resources coping draws on

What you can do depends partly on the resources you have. These might be money, tools, helpful people, or a useful skill, and being resourceful also means being good at finding what you need. Resources come before coping and shape it.¹

Having a resource is not the same as being able to use it. Constraints in a situation can stop you drawing on what you have.¹ Resources of this kind are almost endless, and the main groups are these.

Health and energy

Health and energy help with almost every kind of stress. Someone who is tired, unwell, or worn down has less to give to coping, while a healthy, rested person has more. This matters most in long, demanding problems that go on for a while.

Still, the point should not be overstated. Research shows people often cope surprisingly well even when their health is poor.¹ When the stakes are high enough, people who are ill can usually find what they need.

Positive beliefs and hope

A positive view of yourself and your future is a real psychological resource. Hopeful beliefs help sustain coping effort, even in very hard conditions.¹ Hope is stronger when you believe an outcome can be affected, and stronger again when you trust that a person, such as a doctor, or a treatment can help.

Problem-solving and social skills

Being able to think a problem through is a resource in itself. So are social skills. The ability to work well with others helps you get support and cooperation. Both are abilities you build with practice.

Social support and material resources

Other people are a resource. Emotional and practical support from those around you helps you cope. Money and the things it buys matter too, and material resources widen the options open to you when demands are heavy.

Beliefs that get in the way

Hope can rest on wider beliefs, such as faith in God or in some order in the world.¹ But not every belief helps, and some weaken coping. A belief in a punishing God may lead someone to accept a hard situation as deserved, and to do nothing about it.¹ A belief that fate controls everything can lead to a sense of helplessness.¹

That sense then discourages the active coping that could help, and a belief that you have no control at all works the same way. Effort stops before it starts.

When coping helps, and where its limits are

No coping style is best for every situation. What helps is a good fit between what you do and what the situation allows.

When a problem can be changed, active problem-solving tends to fit. When it cannot, working on your feelings often fits better. Trying to fix what cannot be fixed can exhaust you, and refusing to accept what cannot be changed leaves the same problem in place.

You can cope well even when you cannot control the outcome. Managing your feelings about something you cannot change is still coping. It still counts.

Resources matter more in some settings than others. One study looked at stress across marriage, parenting, work, and household money.⁷

In close relationships, what you actually do made the most difference to how you felt.¹ Control is the likely reason. Resources support you most when you have little direct control over the strain.

Time matters too. In experiments, a longer wait for an expected harm raised the stress. Yet when people were given enough time to think, around three to five minutes, they could ease the stress a good deal.¹ What mattered was what they thought about while they waited, not the waiting itself.

Coping that helps now and costs later

Some ways of coping work in the moment and take something back later. Putting a worry out of mind or keeping busy both settle things for a while.

Much of the difference is timing.¹ Holding a shock at arm's length in the first days of an illness or a loss can be the less damaging course, when the whole of it cannot yet be faced. The same avoidance later, once something can be done, is what gets in the way.

Heart attacks show the pattern plainly. In observational work from the 1960s and 1970s, playing the symptoms down during one delayed the call for help, while the same playing-down afterwards went with better recovery.¹ So the question is less whether a way of coping is good or bad, and more whether it still fits where you are.

Building coping skills in everyday life

Coping skills develop the same way other skills do. At first they take effort and full attention, and with practice they become smoother and more automatic.¹

Learning to drive is the clearest example. The first hours of driving take intense concentration.¹ Over time the same actions need far less deliberate effort, and coping develops in the same way.

Start with appraisal. Before you react, pause and name what is actually at stake. Then ask honestly what can and cannot be changed. That two-step read guides everything else, including whether to work on the problem or on your feelings first.

Practise both kinds of coping. For parts you can change, make a small plan and take one step. For parts you cannot change, work on the feelings.

Distance yourself, put things in proportion, and ask the people who support you for help. Most situations need a mix of both.

Give yourself time to think before reacting. Even a few minutes can lower the intensity of a stressful moment. Use that time to reappraise, not to repeat the same worry.

Look after the basics too. Rest and energy give you more to cope with, and keeping up your relationships matters, since support is one of the strongest resources you have.

Coping also changes over the course of a single hard event.¹ What you do at the start may differ from what you do later. Watching how your own coping shifts helps you adjust as the situation changes.

Watch your beliefs. Notice any thought that nothing can be done. Beliefs like that stop you acting when action would help.

Test them against the actual situation. When you cannot solve a problem alone, other people can take on part of it, offer advice, or simply listen.

Techniques to use in the moment

Some coping happens over weeks. Some has to happen in the next two minutes, in a queue or a car park or at a desk, and for that a few practised techniques are worth having ready. None of them needs equipment, and all of them work better if you have rehearsed them while calm.

Counted breathing

Slowing the breath is the quickest of these, because the out-breath itself settles the body. Two counting patterns are widely taught.

The first is 4-7-8 breathing. Breathe in quietly through the nose for a count of four, hold the breath for a count of seven, then let it out slowly through the mouth for a count of eight, and repeat the cycle four times. If holding for seven is uncomfortable, shorten every count and keep roughly the same proportions, so that the out-breath stays the longest part.

The second is box breathing, where all four parts are equal: in for four, hold for four, out for four, hold for four, then begin again. The even counts are easier to keep track of when agitated, which is why some people prefer it to the 4-7-8 pattern.

Either one can be used at the first sign of tension, before a meeting or a difficult conversation, or at night when sleep will not come. Short daily practice makes the pattern familiar, so that it is available when concentration is poor.

The 5-4-3-2-1 grounding exercise

Grounding pulls attention out of racing thought and back to the room. Work through the senses in order, slowly, naming each thing to yourself:

1. five things you can see;
2. four things you can touch, noticing the texture of each;
3. three sounds you can hear;
4. two things you can smell;
5. one thing you can taste.

Going slowly matters more than getting to the end. If the count breaks, start again at five.

Progressive muscle relaxation

This one works through the body a group of muscles at a time, tensing and then releasing, so that the contrast between the two states becomes easy to feel and easier to bring on deliberately.

Sit or lie somewhere you will not be interrupted. Tense the muscles of both feet for about five seconds, then let go completely and rest for around twenty seconds, noticing the difference. Move upwards in the same way through the calves, the thighs, the abdomen, the hands and arms, the shoulders, and finally the face. Tense the whole body once, release, and stay still for a minute before getting up.

A full pass takes fifteen or twenty minutes, though a short version covering shoulders, hands and jaw can be done sitting at a desk. Leave out any group where tensing hurts or where an injury makes it awkward, and simply let that part soften instead.

Coping with particular difficulties

The techniques above apply broadly. Four situations come up often enough to be worth setting out on their own.

Panic

Panic rises steeply, peaks, and then subsides, and most of what helps is aimed at riding out that curve rather than stopping it. Slow the breath, with the out-breath longer than the in-breath. Run the 5-4-3-2-1 exercise. Cold water on the face or the wrists gives the body something else to attend to. Cold on the face slows the heart, which is part of why it works. Check with a doctor first if you have a heart condition, take a beta blocker or other medication that slows your heart rate, or have an eating disorder.³ Gentle walking is better than sitting rigid, if there is anywhere to walk.

Telling yourself, in plain words, that the sensations have peaked before and passed before is part of the technique rather than a nicety. Repeated panic attacks are worth taking to a doctor or a therapist, partly to rule out other causes of the physical symptoms and partly because panic is treatable.

Anger

Anger gives warning before it arrives: a tightening jaw, heat in the face, a faster and louder voice, hands that will not stay still. Catching those signs is what makes everything else possible, because once the surge is at full height, options narrow.

In the moment, say that you are stepping out and will come back, then actually leave the room. Count slowly. Lengthen the out-breath. Those are the moves with evidence behind them. Across 154 studies and 10,189 people, activities that bring arousal down reduced anger, while activities that raise it did not, and going for a run is named among the things that do not work.² If you walk, walk as a way of leaving the situation and slowing down, not as a way of burning the anger off. Cold water on the face works here as it does in panic, with the same caution for a heart condition, rate-slowing medication or an eating disorder.³

Over the longer run, it is worth learning which situations reliably set you off and what sits underneath the anger, since it often covers hurt, fear, humiliation, or a value of yours that somebody has crossed. When you go back to the conversation, put it in the first person: what you felt, and at what moment, rather than what the other person always does.

Low mood, and starting small

When mood drops, activity tends to fall away with it, and the emptier days then lower the mood further. Behavioural activation is the name for working on that loop from the activity side, and in a meta-analysis of 26 randomised trials it did better for depression than control conditions.⁴ Rather than waiting to feel like doing something, you schedule the doing and let the feeling catch up, which is the opposite of what low mood recommends.

Start smaller than seems worth doing. Ten or fifteen minutes with a timer, at a set time, with the standard set at good enough rather than done properly. Getting a little way in counts; so does the attempt on a day when it does not come off. Build the week around three kinds of activity: something with a bit of pleasure in it, something that leaves you with a sense of having got something done, and something that puts you in company. Rating each day out of ten, alongside a note of what you did, shows over a fortnight which activities are actually shifting things.

Low mood that has stayed for weeks, or that has taken the interest out of nearly everything, needs a proper assessment rather than self-management on its own.

Grief

Grief arrives in waves rather than in an orderly sequence, and a settled week is not a sign that the next one will be. Crying is ordinary, and so is its absence. Talking about the person, writing, or making something are all ways of letting the feeling out rather than holding it down.

Expect to work below your usual capacity for a while, and lower what you ask of yourself accordingly, because grief is tiring in a way that rest does not immediately fix. Where big decisions can wait, let them wait. There is no correct timetable, and other people's expectations of one are not a measure of how you are doing.

Many people find something steadying in keeping the person present rather than sealed off: a photo album or a memory box, a tradition carried on, telling stories about them to people who did not know them, giving time or money in their name, or carrying something of what they valued into how you live. Grief that does not shift at all over a long stretch, or that closes off ordinary life, is worth taking to a therapist.

When to reach out for help

Everyday coping skills are enough for most people, most of the time. Sometimes, though, the demands stay heavy for a long time. Coping can feel like it is not working, no matter what you try.

That is a sign to ask for help. Speaking to a mental health professional can help you understand your stress and widen your coping options. It is a step towards support, not a sign of failure.

Some ways of coping are a reason to reach out in their own right. If you are hurting yourself, or having thoughts of suicide, that is beyond what the techniques on this page are for, and it deserves proper support. If you are in danger right now, contact your local emergency services. You can also find helplines and crisis lines from around the world, listed by country. The same goes for drinking or using other substances to get through: a professional can help you find ways that do not cost you more than they give.

You can use the TherapyRoute directory to find a registered therapist near you. Support and change are both possible. Asking for help is one more way of coping well.

Frequently asked questions

What is the difference between coping and just getting on with life?

Everyday routines are automatic. You do them without much effort or thought. Coping is different.

It starts when something out of the ordinary happens and a response takes real effort. Coping is the effort you spend on the non-routine, harder moments.

Is problem-focused coping better than emotion-focused coping?

Neither is better in general. Each fits different situations. Problem-focused coping suits problems you can change, and emotion-focused coping suits problems you cannot. In practice, people use both together in almost every stressful moment.

Why do the same events stress some people and not others?

Because stress depends on appraisal, not just on the event. It depends on how much you have at stake, and on what you believe you can do. The same event can feel like a threat to one person and a small inconvenience to another.

Can I get better at coping?

Yes. Coping is a skill, not a fixed trait. As with learning to drive, it takes effort at first and becomes smoother with practice. Building resources, such as rest, support, and helpful beliefs, gives you more to draw on.

What if my coping does not seem to work?

Sometimes stress stays heavy for a long time. If your usual coping is not helping, that is worth taking seriously. A mental health professional can help you find new options. You can search the TherapyRoute directory to find one near you.

References

1. [1] Lazarus, R. S., & Folkman, S. (1984). Stress, Appraisal, and Coping. Springer.
2. [2] Kjaervik, S. L., & Bushman, B. J. (2024). A meta-analytic review of anger management activities that increase or decrease arousal: what fuels or douses rage? Clinical Psychology Review, 109, 102414. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2024.102414
3. [3] Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets (2nd ed.), Distress Tolerance Handouts 6 and 6a. Guilford Press.
4. [4] Ekers, D., Webster, L., Van Straten, A., Cuijpers, P., Richards, D., & Gilbody, S. (2014). Behavioural activation for depression: an update of meta-analysis of effectiveness and sub group analysis. PLoS ONE, 9(6), e100100. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0100100
5. [5] Cohen, F., & Lazarus, R. S. (1973). Active coping processes, coping dispositions, and recovery from surgery. Psychosomatic Medicine, 35(5), 375-389. https://doi.org/10.1097/00006842-197309000-00002
6. [6] Folkman, S., & Lazarus, R. S. (1980). An analysis of coping in a middle-aged community sample. Journal of Health and Social Behavior, 21(3), 219-239. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/7410799/
7. [7] Pearlin, L. I., & Schooler, C. (1978). The structure of coping. Journal of Health and Social Behavior, 19(1), 2-21. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/649936/
8. [8] Fecher-Jones, I., Grimmett, C., Ainsworth, B., Wensley, F., Rossiter, L., Grocott, M. P. W., & Levett, D. Z. H. (2024). Systematic review and narrative description of the outcomes of group preoperative education before elective major surgery. BJA Open, 10, 100286. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.bjao.2024.100286

This article is for general information and is not a substitute for professional advice. It cannot monitor or respond to your situation in real time. If stress is affecting your daily life, please speak to a qualified mental health professional.