Coming to Our Senses

Effective intimate partner communication requires the capacity to articulate one’s own experience and recognize another’s. Empathy only emerges from an ability to hold an honest and vulnerable exchange. Negotiating conflicts (differences) requires individuals in couples to be able to trust each to articulate their own emotional experience and desires.

Relationships strengthen from navigating a series of emotional ruptures and repairs, the goal being to understand ourselves and one another a little better each time. Without mutual recognition, most relationships fail or worse, continue on floundering. Defences are on high alert in couples therapy, so from the start, couples therapy must contain a practice component that not only develops the individuals’ capacity for self-aware communication but provides a method for the couple to learn and begin using in-between sessions.

In my work as a therapist and in my own personal practice of metabolizing experiences, feelings and desires, I use a method of self-inquiry called Focusing, more specifically, Inner Relationship Focusing. However, any method of self-inquiry that facilitates acknowledging and honouring feelings/thoughts/beliefs from the bottom-up (the soma) can be effective.

What follows is a composite example from couples I’ve worked with over the years to demonstrate how, by weaving in a somatic method of self-inquiry, the couple can begin to practice in-session work between sessions.

Vignette from a couples therapy

Thomas and Paula have been dating for two years, both divorced once and each with adult children. Paula has helped Thomas become aware of his fears of being left, as conveyed by her perception of his constant focus on her happiness, or rather in the moments when she’s not expressing contentment.

Thomas says he doesn’t like seeing Paula stressed and is happy to alleviate any difficulty he can. However, Paula says she feels suffocated by what she experiences as Thomas’s need to have her feel and be “always happy”. She argues that his need to avoid discomfort is foregrounded over her need to be understood and seen by him as she is, not as he wants her to be. This conflict manifests in veiled and not-so-veiled criticisms and snark that are responded to with words that defend, rather than open exploration of what’s being felt and experienced, the blame-shame game.

In the eight months, I’ve been working with them, Thomas and Paula have begun to learn how to tolerate painful feelings with greater resilience, humour and insight as they grow confidence in reporting their own experience, helping each other understand, rather than having to protect themselves from and resist the other.

One morning about a month away from their intended wedding day, they appear on my screen for their weekly session. Thomas shifts uncomfortably in his seat, and Paula’s wide-eyed stillness expresses worry and fear. I feel my breath shortening. To say they look uncomfortable would be an understatement. They’ve been here before, stopped in their tracks, as each worry about what to say fearing anything they attempt will make matters worse.

As the session gets underway, Paula revisits her accusation that Thomas is unable to tolerate her painful, more difficult feelings and that his attempts to comfort or support her actually attempt to make himself feel better. This core belief Paula holds about Thomas manifests in the various conflicts they have throughout the week. The energy between them in these moments fuels resistance as he is uncomfortable with her irritability and she is uncomfortable with his desire to help her out of it. Both are resisting the other’s experience and begin to defend themselves from each other.

I begin to notice tension in my body, specifically my belly. When there’s tightness there, I recognize it as a feeling of resistance alerting me to the sensation of bracing in preparation for what I anticipate might be painful or difficult. While I’m listening in general, I’m often taking note of physical sensations or changes in my breath.

Taking a moment to inquire about this tension I notice it contains worry or doubt: The question, ‘are they ready to get married next month’ appears in my thoughts and I feel perspiration forming on my lip. This kind of moment happens rather often in couples therapy where the therapist actually feels what cannot be felt in the couple dynamic.

“I can feel some real concern,” I say, breaking the silence, “you two look worried, do I have that right?” Yes, they both nod and remain silent. In their eyes, I see concern about expressing anything that would cause one or the other to over-react, a pattern that has developed grooves. What gets said in those moments of dysregulation is often followed by feelings of doubt about their love for one another, leaving both feeling alienated and confused. As their wedding day approaches, doubt expands as the space for expressing worries and fears collapses, eclipsing the excitement they feel about their love.

“I can sense the importance of saying the right thing here or at the very least not saying the wrong thing”, I offer.

They each smile nervously and I see the tension in the muscles of their faces fall away for a moment.

“How about instead of telling me what you think is going on here, tell me what you are aware of feeling in your body right now”.

By pausing to reflect on an internal experience, they begin to regulate their nervous system. The simple act of slowing down and noticing the various sensations in their bodies re-engages the prefrontal cortex calming visceral activation to aid in thinking about what is being felt. This starts the process of regulating their own nervous system as well as those in close proximity. The capacity to think about what is being felt is the first step in gathering useful information about what is needed in response.

Focus on Opening rather than Changing

I’m always working on showing people how to remain focused during moments of visceral experience by opening up to what’s being felt with curiosity rather than trying to change or defend against it, often the default position when painful feelings arise. Phobia about painful feelings is embedded in our culture, evidenced by the question “what’s wrong” to a look of discomfort as if feeling sad, down or agitated is wrong. It is in fact these more negative feelings have the most important information for growth and most are intent on eradicating them.

Negative feelings, sadness, fear, anger, grief, are dense because they are layered. Early wordless experiences and the shame-enshrouded feelings they generate, often remain in the dark beyond conscious awareness. When we turn our somatic attention to these experiences, through focusing or any method of somatic self-inquiry, we can learn to “be with” and describe an experience rather than trying to “understand it” or more importantly, attempting to change it. By shifting our focus in this way, the experience has a better chance of being metabolized as the content of the pain is both re-membered and re-integrated, reducing the likelihood of being acted out or enacted.

“Take some time and see what you notice happening inside”, I suggest to each of them. “We can pause here for a moment.”

I encourage Thomas to close his eyes and do a brief scan of his body to discover where there might be tension or other sensations, and to register to himself all he feels. This gives him time to survey all the various parts that are in conflict within him, expanding his ability to contain his feelings and eventually to begin to think about them while calming his nervous system. The worry and fear Thomas feels in anticipation of what Paula might say, will register viscerally, prompting defences to take hold (resistance) if he does not actively (consciously) regulate himself.

This is where communication breaks down. If the fear and worry Thomas feels remain unacknowledged by him, it will create an energetic blockage in the space between them as he’ll continue to defend himself from Paula. By surveying his inner landscape, Thomas will have the experience of “holding on to himself” with the confidence that he’ll have the opportunity to share his experience once he adequately listens to Paula. This gives Paula the space to focus on sharing her experience knowing Thomas is focusing on sharing his, freeing him up to listen to her.

Paula speaks first, “I feel that Thomas….”

“That’s not a feeling” I interrupt with a ‘come-on-we’ve-been-here-before’ look. She smiles lightly then turns within. After a few minutes, her face begins to tighten especially around her eyes. They water a bit as she describes some bodily felt sensations. I give her time to sift through her internal landscape, noting where there is sensation and describing it. When she speaks again her words come slowly, and with more care to make sure she’s expressing what she feels and not what she thinks. She describes some tightness in her shoulders, a fluttery sensation in her chest that’s pressing down on her breath and the feeling of constriction. After spending a moment with those sensations, she reports noticing a tightness in her throat and, in this moment, tears come. She begins to speak of the shame she feels when Thomas insists on getting together with her family when they schedule trips to California.

He doesn’t seem to hear me when I say I don’t enjoy my family, I don’t want to see them on vacation”. Her head bows and she returns to silence.

After a few moments, she begins again “when you tell me you believe it’s good for me to connect with my family what I hear instead is that you must not know me very well because being connected with my family of origin is not good for me, it’s absolutely not what I want for myself right now.”

Paula tries to help Thomas understand, “I want to focus on my relationships with my children and you. Those relationships might form later, but right now I don’t want to give my time and energy to building those relationships, even the relationships with your family. Every time we talk about getting together with your family, I feel a pit in my stomach”. She begins to cry, “...it’s not okay with me or you and we fight about it!”. Thomas and I are still, listening for if something more might come….” and that’s exhausting” she adds after about 20 seconds of silence. Further, she adds, this experience of Thomas leaves her wondering about whether or not he has the ability to tolerate the differences between them in general so that she can simply be who she is without worrying if that’s acceptable to Thomas.

Paula continues to flesh out her experience, “family is everything to Thomas, so what must he think of me that I don’t have a family of origin I value or worse yet, who values me?”

Thomas and I continue to sit quietly allowing Paula’s words to register when Thomas speaks to Paula, “I’ve not ever thought less of you for the relationship you have with your family. It never occurred to me that you would feel embarrassment at not having a family you experience as supportive. I only feel sorry (sorrow)”. He continues, “I had not considered that you would experience what I believe to be supportive as critical or unaccepting”. Thomas opened to the possibility that his actions may not have landed with Paula as he had intended.

As Paula finally finds the words to express one of her worst fears about committing to this relationship (i.e., feeling an ongoing sense of inadequacy with Thomas), her shoulders drop and she takes a deep breath. She adds, “I’m not certain that I could keep my commitment to Thomas if he is secretly hoping I come around and be more upbeat when I’m not feeling upbeat.”

Thomas reflected back what he heard Paula share to make sure he got it right, “If I hear you right, you’re worried that I won’t be able to tolerate your feelings of sadness or irritability, is that right?” With affirmation from Paula, he shares his experience; “It’s true, I do feel a sense of dread when Paula seems unhappy or out of sorts and I do believe it’s because of something I’ve done or said, or not done or said”. He speaks to Paula: “I guess I don’t trust that you’ll tell me when there’s something you have difficulty with because I rarely hear about what you’re feeling”. With some discussion about that, Thomas says to Paula “I just know you’re feeling a lot and that unsettles me”.

Moving the conversation away from explanations, i.e., trying to figure out what’s going on, or even the need to know what’s happening in the moment of intense emotional experiences gives Paula and Thomas the freedom to simply be. The simple act of taking time to identify feelings is often enough to start the process of emotional regulation while simultaneously gathering information that will be needed to begin the process of repairing ruptures and healing current and past wounding.

Experience shapes words and words shape experience

When our nervous systems become dysregulated, as is often the case in heated conflict, the capacity to think clearly is significantly limited as the body is tending to a threat response and the prefrontal cortex goes offline. If we don’t pause to survey our inner experience (feelings/thoughts/beliefs), our pre-conditioned reactions and defences will activate pushing our nervous system into a reflexive mode; fight/flight/freeze/fawn. Before we know it, we are defending ourselves from others, even those who we might otherwise trust.

Projection and Projective Identification are ubiquitous, especially in intimate partnerships. Dismantling projective processes requires acknowledging and re-owning disavowed aspects of the self.

Projections are revealed through the identification of Feelings. Cultivating self-reflection mitigates the effects of these processes, but more importantly, sets the stage for intimate partnerships to begin to heal wounds from past and current relationship experiences.

Describing somatic sensations often leads to the identification of feelings or general states of being. Exploring with interested curiosity aids in finding words. Is the anger a wave of disappointed anger (lethargic) or a wave of humiliated anger (hot), etc? The sensations in our bodies actually provide this nuanced information which in the world of feelings, subtleties and nuances best capture the present moment experience. Research has shown that the right hemisphere of the brain does not forget and better reflects authenticity and the left hemisphere of the brain aids in articulating and expressing this experience.

When we rely exclusively on the thinking mind, what registers is only a very small portion of what is actually experienced. Without acknowledging the rhythms of our breath, or the fluttering in our chest and heart space, or the tension in our brow, our capacity to think is in fact, significantly limited and often not the truth of our experience. Our mind easily misreads signals and potentially mistakes our fear of intimacy (fear of being seen, i.e., exposed and found lacking), with fear of another. In moments of emotional upset, the ability to discern between actual external threats (i.e., ‘this person is a danger to me’) and internal threats (i.e., ‘I don’t know how to protect myself in this situation’) is paramount and requires conscious awareness to respond responsibly and effectively.

When couples begin to practice sharing true feelings rather than assessments or analysis about what’s transpiring, the knots that form from resisting each other (and what they are feeling) begin to fall away. Defences begin to relax when each feels confident in protecting oneself well-enough to remain open and trusting. Empathic communication and progressive relating are born from not knowing. It is in the space of not-knowing where feelings and the sensations they inspire, can inform at a deeper level.

Sandra Sinicropi, LCSW practices in Montclair NJ, for over twenty two years, working with individuals and couples.