Change & Navigating Forgiveness

I came across the above quote in a book I am currently reading, Triumph of the Heart: Forgiveness in an Unforgiving World, by Megan Feldman Bettencourt. What I appreciate about this book is how it explores the ecology of trust, the role forgiveness plays in our most intimate relationships, and how trust is built, how it breaks, and how, sometimes, it can be rebuilt.

I also recently read a lovely article by the renowned Zen master Thich Nhat Hanh, titled "Growing Together" (2017). In it, he offers a beautiful metaphor of two gardens to represent a romantic relationship. The first garden represents the self; the second is symbolic of our partner. His idea is that both gardens need tending, watering, and weeding if the relationship between them is to remain healthy, loving, and resilient. Neglect one garden for too long, he suggests, and both eventually suffer.

Much of my reading time of late has centred on the theme of forgiveness, because so many of the people I work with in the therapy space bring with them the heavy emotional weight of betrayal, infidelity, and other interpersonal transgressions. Whether the wound is decades old or from last week, the story I hear again and again is one of a person trying to make sense of hurt — trying to understand it, metabolise it, and eventually find a way to move through it.

In a way, all of them are, in their own manner, working toward understanding, accepting, and moving through a process of forgiving the unforgivable.

So what is forgiveness?

Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process by which a person undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offence. It involves letting go of negative emotions—resentment, vengefulness, bitterness—alongside an increased capacity to wish the offender, or oneself, well (Luskin, 2010). It is also a complex and often uncomfortable realm, because the act of forgiving inevitably turns back on the person doing the forgiving. In essence, to forgive is a deeply intimate and personal stance, and no two people arrive at it the same way.

Psychologist Robert Enright, one of the pioneering researchers in this field, describes forgiveness as unfolding across several overlapping phases rather than as a single decision made once and then finished (Enright & Fitzgibbons, 2015). Broadly, these involve:

• Coming face to face with the injury — naming what happened, and being honest about its impact, rather than minimising or rushing past it.

• Reaching a point of deciding that carrying the resentment is costing more than it is protecting, and becoming willing to explore what forgiveness might mean.

• Doing the slower, often uncomfortable work of trying to understand the offending person in a wider context — not to excuse them, but to loosen the grip the story of the offence has on you.

• Finding some sense of meaning in what was endured, and noticing a gradual softening. Less anger, less anxiety, sometimes even a renewed sense of purpose.

I find this framework useful in the therapy room, not as a checklist to march through, but as a reminder that forgiveness is rarely linear. People move forward, drift back, and circle round again — and that is not failure; it is simply how this kind of internal work tends to go.

Forgiveness is not forgetting, condoning, or giving permission for hurtful behaviour to continue. Nor is it excusing, reconciling, pardoning, denying, tolerating, or minimising what happened. You can forgive and still hold them accountable. These distinctions matter enormously, because I have sat with many clients who have avoided the idea of forgiveness altogether, fearing it meant one of these things. Once we separate forgiveness from forgetting or reconciling, something often eases in the room.

So why is forgiveness useful?

There are a number of well-documented advantages to learning to offer forgiveness, both to others and to oneself. People who forgive often experience a reduction in anxiety and distress, and a lessening of shame and self-doubt. Many also report an increased capacity for empathy toward others (O'Donohue & Graybar, 2009). Forgiveness can also act as something of an antidote to resentment, applied, as Russ Harris describes, like a balm to a wound or an itch, allowing a person to get on with life with a greater sense of well-being and vitality (Harris, 2009).

There is a relational dimension too. To forgive someone is to acknowledge the deeply interdependent nature of people, of couples, families, and communities. As Enright and Fitzgibbons (2015) put it, to forgive in the deeper sense is to take seriously the idea that all people carry inherent worth, even those who have caused us harm. This does not make forgiveness easy. It simply means that when it is offered, it tends to restore something in the fabric of a relationship that resentment alone cannot.

A few practical starting points

If you are sitting with the question of whether, or how, to begin forgiving someone — a partner, a family member, or even yourself — here are a few gentle starting points I often explore with clients:

• Name the injury clearly, at least to yourself. Vague hurt is hard to work with; being specific about what happened and what it cost you is often the first honest step.

• Separate forgiveness from reconciliation. You do not need to decide whether the relationship continues before you begin to loosen your own grip on resentment. These are two different questions.

• Notice what the resentment has been doing for you. Sometimes anger feels protective. It can help to ask what you are afraid might happen if you set it down.

• Expect it to be gradual, and expect to circle back. A day of feeling more at peace does not mean the work is "done", and a hard day afterwards does not mean it has failed.

• Consider where self-forgiveness fits in. Often the person hardest to forgive is ourselves, for what we did, didn't do, or didn't see at the time.

• If it feels too heavy to hold alone, bring it into the therapy room. This is precisely the kind of work that benefits from a steady, non-judgemental witness.

In summary

Often when I write, I find myself thinking of my clients and their particular situations. I also think about the people in their lives, and the conflict and distress they are carrying. Perhaps this is my way of attending to "the other" person in the room, someone I will probably never meet. Sometimes this is the partner, wife, or husband of a client who, for all intents and purposes, has taken an unforgiving stance. The couple can feel seemingly stuck in a cycle of rupture and repair. Other times, I find myself thinking of my own partner, family, and friends.

As I write, I like to sit with the question of how I, too, can move toward a more compassionate and forgiving stance — for myself and for others.

References:

Enright, R., & Fitzgibbons, Richard P. (2015). Forgiveness therapy: An empirical guide for resolving anger and restoring hope (Second ed.).

Harris, R., & Ebrary, Inc. (2009). ACT with love: stop struggling, reconcile differences, and strengthen your relationship with acceptance and commitment therapy. Oakland, Calif.: New Harbinger Publications.

Luskin, F. (2010). What Is Forgiveness? The Greater Good Science Center, University of California, Berkeley. Retrieved from: https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/what_is_forgiveness

O'Donohue, W., & Graybar, Steven R. (2009). Handbook of contemporary psychotherapy: Toward an improved understanding of effective psychotherapy. Los Angeles: SAGE.

Thich Nhat Hanh (2017). Growing Together, as seen in http://www.lionsroar.com/growing-together/