Attachment Styles: beyond secure attachment styles

When we hear about attachment styles today, we might recall various social media posts or articles about them. It is an intriguing topic that many people have been able to connect with.

I have noticed that when people talk about this subject, we use starkly different language depending on whether we identify our attachment styles as secure or insecure. And we cannot blame anyone when many texts have also used similar language to describe an avoidant or anxiously attached individual. Insecure attachment styles do not make someone less of a person than someone with a more secure attachment style.

You might be surprised that almost half of the general population studied has an insecure attachment style. It might make us wonder why natural selection didn't do its bit here. Could it be because our attachment styles are ways of coping and communicating with our unique environments? Well, it might help to realize what an attachment style is.

What is an attachment style, though?!

Attachment styles are a survival mechanism; yes, you heard it, how we connect or attach to others helps us survive somehow. This might be information you are already privy to, but I bring it up here because people often end up ignoring what made them develop a particular attachment style. People sometimes forget that their attachment style is a way to adapt to their world so they survive and their needs are met or not discarded.

In 1958, John Bowlby experimented with attachment theory, which led researchers to understand the significance of physical proximity, the presence of the caregiver, and warmth in providing a sense of safety to newborn monkeys. This led to further research by Mary Ainsworth, who provided us with different attachment styles. We know them as the four different styles of attachment.

To briefly summarize the different styles of attachments, in general, it might look something like this-

Secure forms of attachment are seen in children who show signs of being able to regulate their distress. Their parents are usually responsive and provide the child with the proximity, support and security to explore and express their emotions safely. They usually have a balanced perspective about expressing their needs to others or being self-reliant.

Insecurely attached children could either be ambivalently attached, avoidant or show a disorganized form of attachment-

Ambivalently attached children usually grow up with unresponsive caregivers. This leads them to amplify their actions to get their attention. In situations where the caregiver continues to remain unresponsive, the child could feel both angry and in need of them. But their strength lies in being vigilant of changes in cues of the environment, even social cues, which might help them respond in ways that help in their survival. Their sensitivity helps them detect contextual or behavioural signals, which can be invaluable.

Children with avoidant attachments tend to suppress their needs and feelings. They fear that doing so would take their caregivers away. Caregivers of avoidant children might be aggressive and controlling; they usually do not meet the child’s needs, which could leave them feeling rejected. Children grow up detached and may have difficulty sharing their thoughts or feelings with others. However, their independence can help them be self-reliant and find solutions that might help them.

Children with disorganized attachment usually grow up in unpredictable environments. Children might be unable to predict their caregivers’ responses to their needs - their needs might be met with affection or aggression. Hence, the child could find it challenging to regulate their emotions. They often end up taking parental roles. There might be a possibility of developing this attachment style due to maltreatment, so learning skills in therapy or finding support helps greatly.

A common thread tying them together...

One of the common factors here is how attachment figures- parents and caregivers other than parents- engage and meet the child’s needs. People who become attachment figures are expected to provide a sense of proximity, safety and security.

Ainsworth described two attachment strategies in the book, Attachment Theory and Research in Clinical Work with Adults. Hyperactivating strategies showed up as demanding attention, security or love from an unresponsive attachment figure. In contrast, deactivating strategies showed up as suppressing or avoiding needs to reduce frustrations from unresponsive attachment figures.

The attachment figures’ (parents, close relatives, teachers) way of interacting with the child and meeting their needs impacts their attachment styles.

Nothing is set in stone…

It is important to realize that one style of communication with attachment figures in childhood might not always determine communication styles with attachment figures later in life. Hence, despite having an avoidant attachment style during childhood, you could still have more secure attachments with attachment figures later (partners, friends, teachers).

We might also notice ourselves thinking or behaving toward people or situations in ways that follow a pattern from our childhood communication styles to family or teachers. It could be because another person acts similarly to a previous caregiver. Or it could be because their actions are perceived as being similar by us. During moments like these, we could look at our attachment styles as strategies to communicate our needs. This might help us to become aware of our behaviour patterns and understand where they could be coming from. Becoming aware can be one of the first steps to see if our actions fit the scenario now.

Small steps towards change

Some ways in which we can become more aware of behaviour patterns in relationships with our attachment figures (parents, partners, peers or other family members) are:

• Ground and Check Emotions- This is a step that might help to stay in the present and check what you are feeling (emotions or even physical sensations). Grounding techniques like deep breathing and becoming aware of our five senses can be helpful exercises. You can check for some of the resources on youtube that have practical follow-along exercises- one of them will be mentioned here under references. This exercise could also help us check the relevance of our feelings in the present moment and help us plan to action.=

• Talking it out - Our past experiences might not have allowed many of us to express our needs. We might often stop ourselves from expressing our distress and needs in future relationships because of these past experiences. It might help to see that what happened in a previous relationship with family or significant others might not repeat. Discussing things and finding a solution together might help with not feeling frustrated later.

• Reaching out to someone- It is helpful to reach out to a friend or close family member to discuss your concerns with relationship dynamics. Sometimes a third-person perspective can be an invaluable asset in identifying patterns and breaking them. You can also reach out to therapists who could help explore these dynamics in depth and work together on helpful strategies.

References and Resources:

1. The Different Types of Attachment Styles - VeryWellMind

2. Attachment Theory- https://cumbria.gov.uk/elibrary/content/internet/537/6942/6944/6954/42191163326.pdf

3. Attachment Theories and Research in Clinical Work with Adults - Joseph H Obegi and Ety Berant

4. Grounding Exercise: Anxiety Skills #5 - Therapy in a Nutshell