Understanding These Different Affair Types Helps You Avoid Them

Many individuals rather than try to understand themselves a bit better prior to marriage run into marriage believing that it would help. Unfortunately, a promiscuous man/woman who gets married will simply become a "married promiscuous man/woman. Marriage only introduces commitment which in turn introduces pressure if you have outstanding personality flaws that have not been sorted out. A frustrating marriage is one of the key triggers that characterize the onset of an affair.

Affair Type 1 - One Night Stand

This affair type is usually the one that blind-sides you. Your partner (or you) are on a business trip, at the office or just going along your merry way. You ventured into somewhere or find yourself in a situation that stirs up some emotional longings that generate erotic heat between you and someone. This is something that usually occurs when an individual decides to give themselves a relaxed time. That massage, catching a few drinks or being somewhere where no one knows you.

This sometimes occurs with someone known but most times it occurs with strangers. It is usually stirred by drinks or the use of recreational drugs. It’s not pre-planned or pre-meditated, has no emotional investment and has a very good chance of recovery.

Advice: If you find yourself in locations that afford you a measure of anonymity, set up extra layers of boundaries such as getting drinks back to your hotel room rather than drinking in open spaces or simply enjoying video calls with your significant other at times when you personally know you're susceptible to loneliness or boredom.

Affair Type 2 – The Avoidance Affairs

This affair type is the majority of what we have out there. Couples who have preexisting issues but aren't talking about them. You know you are about to get embroiled in this affair type when you find out you’re constantly using these terms. “we don’t have sex always”, "our communication has gone really bad" or “I just don't trust my partner anymore” etc.

This affair type is usually very predictable, lacks structure and most importantly gives you that feeling of being able to be your real self with the affair partner. If growing up you have faced issues such as neglect, shame, abandonment or interfaced with people who are toxic, it may turn you into someone who seeks out or enables this affair type.

Advice: The moment you begin feeling very free with someone of the opposite gender or believe they seem to understand you better than your partner or spouse, It's the tipping point. Especially if you are married or in a committed relationship. Set up extra boundaries for yourself such as not being alone with the person or simply telling your partner about this person so you have an accountability partner.

Affair Type 3 – The Philanderer Affair

This is the consummate womanizer whose escapades has nothing to do with their partner. Their affairs look like conquests and have no emotional attachment. They regularly switch partners, have a sexist approach to gender discussions, lie, they’re insecure and enjoy the concept of seduction. The key determining factor for this type of affair is that when they get caught, they do not feel humiliated but instead are pained by the new power their spouse has with the discovery of the affair.

Gay men, lesbians, heterosexuals etc. can all be philanderers. Their sexuality is fueled by ANGER and FEAR. This broad description pretty much points to the fact that everyone can be a victim of this affair type.

Advice: This affair type is purely voluntary and anyone involved in this needs to first make a decision to change, understand the origins of this behaviour (childhood neglect fear of attachment etc.) and then seek out help.

Affair Type 4 – The Entitlement Affairs

This affair type is usually long-term and the partner who strays most times has a measure of success. They are powerful, celebrities, charming and accomplished. It usually occurs in relationships where both partners are accomplished and professionals. When two partners begin to live separate lives, entitlement affairs are not far away.

The 3rd party affair partner is usually attracted to the aura and power of the straying partner and they most times have more things in common with the straying partner than their spouse does. These are the affairs that leave the straying partner feeling like their hard work and peak performing life entitles them to the perks and associated affairs it brings. Most narcissists will have entitlement affairs in their lifetime. These types are usually in a marriage triangle where they do not want to be married but also don’t want to be divorced. They sometimes are not very much into sex and marriage with its conjugal commitments becomes an issue for them.

Advice: When you feel you deserve an affair owing to status, the first step is to again understand that this is a highly narcissistic trait that stems from insecurity. This level of understanding introduces the willingness to seek out the help you desire.

Affair Type 5 – The Split Self Affair

This affair type signals the marriage has very serious problems because the marriage issues aren’t usually the reason the affair happens but instead, there is something stopping the cheating spouse from even beginning to work on the marriage. These types usually have affairs with people who give them a lot more than sex but instead provide validation, making them feel special and needed. Individuals who have these types of affairs have a 50% chance of either exiting their marriage or fixing their marriage.

These affairs begin from places of great value. It begins from religious congregations, the office, school, with people paid to exchange value (nannies, prostitutes, personal assistants etc). If your spouse's affair partner is a man/woman who is younger than them, a man/woman with a challenging childhood or someone who works under your partner then it’s beyond sex but a need for something that isn’t present in the marriage. Reverse engineering these points is one of the therapists best shots at saving the marriage.

Advice: When you begin to develop feelings for someone who reports to or works for you, that isn't a bad thing if you aren't in a relationship or married. However, if any of the mentioned scenarios are existing, this signals that your relationship is undergoing a tumultuous period. My advice is that you go back and work on your relationship or seek out help from a therapist or marriage counsellor.

Type 6: The Exit Affair

There are many marriages where one of the partners is ready to leave the marriage but are waiting for that one reason to finally make the move. You know this affair type when the marriage being understudied has built up so much resentment over the years, the partners are not willing to meet each other's needs and they got to a numb point where they erroneously believed that no quarrels meant all was well.

You can recognize this affair type when the children are now leaving home, active service/retirement from work is initiated or the end of a career has begun. In recent times, I also noticed that partners who were secretly gay usually use this period to leave their marriage as they feel their life is almost at its twilight and they have just a few years to be truly themselves.

Advice: This is usually one of the most difficult affairs to get back from because clients who are usually at this point may have already decided to move on from their relationship. The affair was simply their motivation or reason for doing this. Therapy can help but as I mentioned, it is usually a 50:50.

Type 7: The Sex Addict Affair

This is an affair type that emanates from a serious problem where there’s a pattern of risky sexual behaviour even if you can see the negative effects it’s having on your life. I will like to spend a little time on this affair type because many are in denial of the hold this affair type has on them.

Temple Obike is a licensed marriage and family therapist, speaker, author and psychotherapist who has counselled over one thousand, two hundred clients comprising of couples, individuals, abuse victims (substance, physical, emotional and sexual) and grief-stricken clients. His practice also provides options for both online and on-site services. His passion for empowering and uncovering the secrets to lifelong marriages and personal development led to his new book titled “Soul Bodega” available on Amazon and across other online and traditional stores. Never give up on yourself! You are on a journey through various destinations.