This Too Shall Pass

“Common sense precautions” and “this too shall pass” have been my mantras these days, as I flip flop back and forth from virtual panic to disbelief (it can’t possibly be this bad!!) about the COVID-19 crisis we are in.

In my interactions with patients, the general public and my circle of friends and family, I hear a huge range of emotions about the situation. And, while everyone has a different perspective, I think we can all agree that It has become a logistic, financial, and an emotional nightmare for all of us.

The situation is made even worse when, as parents of college-age or grown children, we either don’t have access to our children or we have sudden, unexpected access as they return home early from college. Plus, we may be watching them suffer from the closing of their colleges or lays off from jobs, struggling with the protocols of social distancing, and either underreacting to the seriousness of the situation or catastrophizing it. So, in the face of all this, how do we cope, what do we do?

First, let’s manage our own anxiety. This is not an easy task. Every allergy-related sneeze or cough sends my mind spiralling to thoughts of…well, you know. And every time someone around me sneezes or coughs, I have the urge to douse myself in Lysol spray! But managing anxiety is not undoable. First, remember that anxiety is usually born of overestimating the devastating possibilities while underestimating our capacity to cope with the outcome. We are often far more able to handle a difficult situation than we thought. So remind yourself often of your own strengths and ability to cope.

And to manage that escalating panic whenever we turn on the TV or radio? My advice….TAKE BREAKS FROM IT!! Turn off the news. Listen to music, watch some funny TV or a good movie (not Contagion!). Limit technology and social media that will only serve to get you mad or even more worried – watch Instagram posts of Golden Retriever puppies doing cute stuff instead.

Get support from people who will make you feel better, not worse. Know that you are most certainly not alone in your feelings – we are all feeling upset, worried and a little crazy right now. You are reacting normally to an abnormal situation.

Get back to nature. Remember this world has been around for a very long time and we’ve gotten through some pretty bad situations. Settle in for the long haul and brace yourself for ongoing stress, but also remember that there will eventually be a light at the end of the tunnel.

Find a mantra or two for yourself that will help. And get some help if you need it! I am currently making myself available for teletherapy sessions for those unable to or not comfortable leaving their homes. Check with your therapist if you have one, as most of us are offering this option as a way to stay connected and to get help if needed.

And what about how to handle our teenage and grown children? It’s complicated and often frustrating as they are not like little children who will just listen to your words as the “truth.” They now, frustratingly for us, have opinions of their own and are making their own decision.

First and foremost, think about how you approach them. If you approach them like they are reasonable adults, they may be more likely to respond back like reasonable adults. However, if you treat them like stubborn, uniformed children, they will likely respond back like stubborn, uninformed children. Approach them in the way you want them to respond back to you.

Sympathize and don’t minimize their distress (“really, Matt, missing out on spring break is not the end of the world”). Try to remember yourself at that age and how distressing missing out on something was to you. But, also remind them that these crises can also be opportunities for growth.

They are living an unprecedented piece of history that their children will be reading about in textbooks. How do they want to remember it? When it comes to social distancing, let them know about your plans and let them see those plans in action – i.e. your cancelling plans and modelling a measured approach to the disappointment.

Set limits in your home – remind them that their actions affect those more vulnerable than them. But also remember there is only so much you have control over at this point in their lives, so they may not follow your direction to the letter.

Try to use this time as an opportunity to reconnect – play some board games, watch movies together. If they live far, stay in touch, but don’t hover!! Send little texts of encouragement. Ask them when they have a few minutes to chat. Send little COVID-19 care packages.

Finally, let the little stuff go. Their room is a mess? they are sleeping late or playing too many video games? Annoying? Absolutely. But if there is any time to put things in perspective, it is surely now. Try to keep tensions at bay by being more flexible and understanding than usual. I know I’m biting my tongue a lot when it comes to my own messy teenage son!

I hope this helps and to all of you, my prayers for you to stay safe and healthy. Let’s all try to get through this as a strong and unified community.

Dr. Laurie Appel – www.laurieappelpsyd.com

Laurie Appel, Psy.D is a NJ and PA licensed psychologist, having graduated from the Clinical Psychology program at Widener and Hahnemann Universities and completing a post-doctoral certification in Structural Family Therapy. Presently, she is a consultant for Sub-Acute and Long Term Care facilities and maintains a private practice in Swedesboro, NJ. When not seeing clients, she presents to various audiences in public and in print. She also hosts the popular podcast “You Think YOU’VE Got Issues?” which explores a variety of topics such as relationships, parenting, self-esteem and general mental health issues. She is proud to have served as a consultant for the brave officers of the Philadelphia Police Department and for residential facilities treating victimized teenagers. With over 20 years of experience, she has learned a great deal from her clients about the strengths and resiliencies of people from all backgrounds. As a strong believer in the importance of volunteer work, Dr. Appel serves as a volunteer for Give an Hour, which supports returning Veterans, and volunteers for FurEver As Friends pet-therapy program, for which her Golden Retriever, Oliver, is also a proud volunteer.