The Good Goodbye

“Goodbye”. The very word in our culture conjures up sadness, pain, sometimes fear and anxiety. We have become accustomed to sometimes hanging on to a relationship out of comfort and habit, because the idea of saying goodbye we fear will be too painful or lonely. However, ending a relationship, whether it be romantic, marital, professional, friends, sometimes even with a particular family member, does not necessarily have to be laced with pain, recrimination, loneliness, regret, or anger. We can say “the good goodbye”. By this, I mean ending a relationship, but doing so with conscious intent, with goals, respect for self and the other person, and with peace and a view to the future.

Generally, there is no right or wrong way to bring a relationship to its end, just as there is no right or wrong way, no playbook, on how to feel. Like grief, there is no timeline on ending a relationship or when any painful emotions should end. No two people experience the ending of a relationship in exactly the same way or on the same timeline, or with the same priorities and goals. So allow yours to be yours exclusively. Lean into your emotions, experience them fully, process through them and find the value in them. For example, even anger through the course of ending a relationship can be a galvanizing force – it can heighten awareness and focus into identifying specifically what you don’t want to allow in a future relationship, or in identifying ways you want to treat yourself, create better boundaries, for example, the next time.

There may be an array of strong emotions surrounding the ending of a relationship, including jealousy. Sometimes it is easier to lapse into jealousy when you feel your life doesn’t have the elements you want in it and perhaps your former partner seems to be moving on faster or happier than you are at this time. Allow your emotions, address them and be willing to vulnerable with them can help in being authentic with ourselves and others. I can remember someone telling me many years ago when I was in pain that this was not going to last forever and that there were good days ahead. They were right.

For a romantic relationship, “love” sometimes isn’t enough to hold a relationship together. Emotions change; goals, needs, priorities can evolve and shift over time. Grasping onto a dead relationship long past its “sell-by date” can make a dying relationship become toxic and harmful. Before I became a therapist, I’d ask a friend considering ending a relationship what was the worst thing that could happen if they did so. Now, I ask what would be the best thing. Ending a relationship doesn’t have to mean the end of good, the end of hope. It doesn’t have to mean “failure”, but can be an indication that you have identified that you no longer want to live in a particular environment or communication pattern, no longer want to be hurt, taken advantage of, lied to, or simply settle for less than you know you can experience. It can mean that you have arrived at a clarifying point in your life where you want something better, healthier, more life-affirming, and that, as you examine the relationship you are in, have come to the realization that this relationship is no longer serving your life well and you are not willing to live in a state of bewilderment, or pain or toxicity or unhappiness. This is not an indication of failure. It can instead be a pivotal, defining moment in your life, where health and clarity enter into your life, and where sometimes ending a relationship means honoring your very self.

Coming to the end of a relationship can give the opportunity to begin to establish new goals for the future, including identifying what it is you do not want in a future relationship. This might include identifying any deal-breakers you set that make certain elements in a potential future relationship non-negotiable. For example, domestic violence, infidelity, or substance abuse. It might mean not being in a relationship with a person who has to travel 3 out of 4 weeks every month, or living for years disagreeing on how many children to have, or tiptoeing around your partner’s volatility.

An ending also dialectically comes with a new beginning as well. A new start allows for a fresh approach, a shift, to allow for establishing new boundaries and expectations. So focus on the future, not bemoaning the past to the point it is no longer productive or healthy for you. How will you know you are in a future relationship that is life-affirming, safe, respectful, joyful, healthy? Is there any inner work you need to do before embarking on a new relationship in the future? That may include counseling, deep reflection, learning to not be afraid to be alone, developing new and healthier habits, perhaps checking off a few items off your bucket list. And on that note, how important is your bucket list to you in a relationship, and how do you want to address it if someone new in your life asks you to give up some items on your bucket list for them? These are the kinds of questions to ask yourself now so that you can establish clear parameters and a vision about the kind of relationship you’d like to have in the future.

A relationship that has ended can still provide many priceless learning and growth opportunities. I talked to someone who sobbed, “My divorce after all these years means all those years were a total waste…” It doesn’t have to be. Not if you’re consciously examining it. Deciding you no longer want a certain element in a relationship can also be reframed into the fact that you have chosen to want something different, healthier, better, and less settling, “putting up with”. There is always something to salvage about a relationship that has ended – even if it means looking hard for how you grew, changed, became stronger, more resilient.

Make a list that is honest and objective of the things in that past relationship that you can still be thankful for. I am divorced. I am thankful that over many years, my former husband would still repair my car or fill our child’s prescriptions at the drop of a hat, or go to school conferences together. I am thankful that, after a long time, we learned to be in the same room together at our adult daughter’s house and allow her, the most important person in the equation, to enjoy us both at the same time. I thankful that I knew when I had to let go of a dream that was never going to happen and still eventually wish him peace and mean it. And I still do. I am very thankful for those experiences and those moments of growth. What are you thankful for that you gained out of that past relationship, even though it ended or is ending? Can you tell that person what you are thankful for?

Coparenting doesn’t end when a romantic relationship / marriage ends. About half of marriages will end in divorce, and about 40% of children are born today into relationships that are often uncommitted. As a therapist who focuses largely on blended families and coparents, I have seen the ongoing devastation created in these situations at times. You will still be coparenting when you’re grandparents. What are your plans to walk through the changed status of your relationship? Because with a coparent, that “relationship” doesn’t end – it only changes. It can help with healing and growth and a move into the future if you can begin to shift your thoughts and focus into not having a romantic relationship with that person, but only now as a business relationship, of sorts, as two partners working together to bring the child/ren the safe, secure, healthy life they deserve. You split up, but your children never did.

Guilt and regret can either serve us or work against us. It is entirely natural to experience some guilt or regret. If there is guilt, making an honest and respectful apology, taking ownership of any part that belongs to you can be a healing gesture. Regret can lend to bitterness, or if addressed can lead to a shift and change. If you have regrets, then what do you want to do differently in the future to avoid the same thing happening all over again?

What have you learned about yourself through this relationship? I learned I was a lot stronger than I thought I was. It is important to extend empathy, compassion, and forgiveness to yourself. If you can find a way to extend it to the other person in the relationship too, you may find peace quicker, as well.

Don’t rush into another relationship too quickly. If I had a dime for every person I have spoken to who already had a new partner waiting in the wings even before they completely ended one relationship, I’d be sitting on a beach, earning twenty percent. This is so often how we only perpetuate negative patterns. If someone is reticent to be alone, they can often lapse into even toxic relationships, one after another, as a result. Once you confront the “alone elephant” in the room, it can no longer seem so intimidating. Develop your hobbies, set new healthy goals, add to the bucket list. Be in a new relationship because you want to be, not because you have to be.

Ending a relationship can be one of the most painful times, but also a deeply important and pivotal time of change and growth. And ending also signals a beginning. And it’s the beginning where you have choices and can re-write the narrative of the rest of your life. What do you want that new narrative to say?

Mary Anne Gunter, MS, LAC, LAMFT