Would you like to improve your relationship?: follow Dr. John Gottman's Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (the title of his bestselling work). These principles are based on Dr. John Gottman’s over 40 years of multidimensional and extensive observation of over 3000 couples. In the process, Dr. Gottman observed what he came to call the Masters and Disasters of Relationship. From them he gleaned what works and doesn’t work in a relationship and distilled these Seven Principles.

The foundation of John Gottman’s Seven Principles is friendship: “At the heart of my program is the simple truth that happy marriages are based on friendship. These couples tend to know each other intimately–they are well-versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes and dreams. They have an abiding regard for each other and express their fondness not only in big ways but in little ways day in and day out” (Gotman & Silver, 1999).

1. Share Love Maps

Love Maps are that part of the brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner, i.e. their likes and dislikes, their hopes and dreams, their triumphs and traumas, etc. It is what we usually learn and share when we are dating or courting someone, and what we need to continue to learn and share when we are in a long-term relationship. According to Gottman, “Emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other’s world” (Gottman & Silver, 1999).

2. Nurture Your Fondness & Admiration

Fondness and admiration form the friendship basis of a relationship. According Gottman, “Fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long lasting relationship” (Gottman & Silver, 1999). The Masters of Relationship are truly fond of and admire each other and take time to nurture their fondness and admiration.

3. Turn Towards Each Other Instead of Away

In a relationship, each partner makes “bids” for attention, affection, humor, or support. We can respond by turning towards those bids or turning away. According to Gottman, “Turning towards is the basis of emotional connection, romance, passion, and a good sex life” (Gottman & Silver, 1999). By turning towards, we establish what John Gottman calls “the Emotional Bank Account,” depositing good will in the bank for a rainy day.

4. Let Your Partner Influence You

Remember, to have influence in a relationship, you must be willing to be influenced and to share power. This is especially important for men. According to John Gottman’s research: “When a man is not willing to share power with his partner, there is an 81 percent probability that his marriage will self-destruct” (Gottman & Silver, 1999). On the other hand, the emotionally intelligent husband honors, respects, and accepts his wife's influence and has a happier wife and life as a result.

5. Solve Your Solvable Problems

All couples have problems and conflicts. The difference between the Masters and Disasters of Relationship is how they manage their problems. According to Dr. Gottman, there are two types of problems: solvable and perpetual problems. Solvable problems, as the name suggests, can be resolved with the use of six skills for managing conflict, which include using Softened Startup, Repair and De-escalation, Physiological Self-Soothing, Accepting What You Cannot Change, Accepting Influence, and Compromise (these were featured in my October essay).

6. Overcome Gridlock

The second (and most predominant) type of problems are gridlocked, perpetual problems. These are the problems that you argue about again and again and where you hurt each other and feel like you are getting nowhere. According to Dr. Gottman: “The goal in ending gridlock is not to solve the problem, but rather to move from gridlock to dialogue. The gridlock conflict will probably always be a perpetual issue in your marriage, but one day you will be able to talk about it without hurting each other. You will learn to live with the problem” (Gottmn & Silver, 1999). The key to moving from gridlock to dialogue on these perpetual problems is listening to and discovering the underlying dreams you each have behind the conflict.

7. Create Shared Meaning

We are all philosophers, looking for meaning in life and our relationships. According to Gottman: “Marriage isn’t about just raising kids, splitting chores, and making love. It can also have a spiritual dimension that has to do with creating an inner life together–a culture rich with symbols and rituals, and an appreciation for your roles and goals that link you, that lead you to understand what it means to be part of the family you have become” (Gottman & Silver, 1999).

We know these principles can be followed because they are what the Masters of Relationship do. However, you may need some help with them. If you would like to learn more about the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work or want to repair or enhance your relationship, consider attending an Art and Science of Love Weekend Workshop for Couples or seeing a Certified Gottman Therapist for Gottman Method Couples Therapy.

Reference

Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York: NY: Three Rivers.

Would you like to improve your relationship?: follow Dr. John Gottman's Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (the title of his bestselling work). These principles are based on Dr. John Gottman’s over 40 years of multidimensional and extensive observation of over 3000 couples. In the process, Dr. Gottman observed what he came to call the Masters and Disasters of Relationship. From them he gleaned what works and doesn’t work in a relationship and distilled these Seven Principles.

The foundation of John Gottman’s Seven Principles is friendship: “At the heart of my program is the simple truth that happy marriages are based on friendship. These couples tend to know each other intimately–they are well-versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes and dreams. They have an abiding regard for each other and express their fondness not only in big ways but in little ways day in and day out” (Gotman & Silver, 1999).

1. Share Love Maps

Love Maps are that part of the brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner, i.e. their likes and dislikes, their hopes and dreams, their triumphs and traumas, etc. It is what we usually learn and share when we are dating or courting someone, and what we need to continue to learn and share when we are in a long-term relationship. According to Gottman, “Emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other’s world” (Gottman & Silver, 1999).

2. Nurture Your Fondness & Admiration

Fondness and admiration form the friendship basis of a relationship. According Gottman, “Fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long lasting relationship” (Gottman & Silver, 1999). The Masters of Relationship are truly fond of and admire each other and take time to nurture their fondness and admiration.

3. Turn Towards Each Other Instead of Away

In a relationship, each partner makes “bids” for attention, affection, humor, or support. We can respond by turning towards those bids or turning away. According to Gottman, “Turning towards is the basis of emotional connection, romance, passion, and a good sex life” (Gottman & Silver, 1999). By turning towards, we establish what John Gottman calls “the Emotional Bank Account,” depositing good will in the bank for a rainy day.

4. Let Your Partner Influence You

Remember, to have influence in a relationship, you must be willing to be influenced and to share power. This is especially important for men. According to John Gottman’s research: “When a man is not willing to share power with his partner, there is an 81 percent probability that his marriage will self-destruct” (Gottman & Silver, 1999). On the other hand, the emotionally intelligent husband honors, respects, and accepts his wife's influence and has a happier wife and life as a result.

5. Solve Your Solvable Problems

All couples have problems and conflicts. The difference between the Masters and Disasters of Relationship is how they manage their problems. According to Dr. Gottman, there are two types of problems: solvable and perpetual problems. Solvable problems, as the name suggests, can be resolved with the use of six skills for managing conflict, which include using Softened Startup, Repair and De-escalation, Physiological Self-Soothing, Accepting What You Cannot Change, Accepting Influence, and Compromise (these were featured in my October essay).

6. Overcome Gridlock

The second (and most predominant) type of problems are gridlocked, perpetual problems. These are the problems that you argue about again and again and where you hurt each other and feel like you are getting nowhere. According to Dr. Gottman: “The goal in ending gridlock is not to solve the problem, but rather to move from gridlock to dialogue. The gridlock conflict will probably always be a perpetual issue in your marriage, but one day you will be able to talk about it without hurting each other. You will learn to live with the problem” (Gottmn & Silver, 1999). The key to moving from gridlock to dialogue on these perpetual problems is listening to and discovering the underlying dreams you each have behind the conflict.

7. Create Shared Meaning

We are all philosophers, looking for meaning in life and our relationships. According to Gottman: “Marriage isn’t about just raising kids, splitting chores, and making love. It can also have a spiritual dimension that has to do with creating an inner life together–a culture rich with symbols and rituals, and an appreciation for your roles and goals that link you, that lead you to understand what it means to be part of the family you have become” (Gottman & Silver, 1999).

We know these principles can be followed because they are what the Masters of Relationship do. However, you may need some help with them. If you would like to learn more about the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work or want to repair or enhance your relationship, consider attending an Art and Science of Love Weekend Workshop for Couples or seeing a Certified Gottman Therapist for Gottman Method Couples Therapy.

Reference

Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York: NY: Three Rivers.