Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Relationships

Narcissism is a personality disorder that is predominantly found amongst men (American Psychiatric Association, 2013). The essential feature of narcissistic personality disorder is a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy that begins by early adulthood and is present in a variety of contexts. This condition is evident in early adulthood marked by troubled relationships that rarely surpass 6 months in duration (American Psychiatric Association, 2013). How it plays out in relationships forms the focus of this article.

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Object Relations Theory

Narcissistic Abuse

Narcissism in Relationships

Stockholm Syndrome

Addiction to Trauma Bonds

References

Object Relations Theory

It is stated that pathological narcissism develops because of deficits in object constancy (the capacity to recognize and tolerate loving and hostile feelings toward the same object [here object means person]) according to the object relations theory (Daniel, 2007). This deficit is caused by the chronic failure of primary caregivers in responding/ paying attention to the narcissistic individuals needs as children.

This results in the personality characteristic of splitting, inherent in children and narcissistic individuals. Splitting can be defined as the failure to keep two contradictory thoughts or feelings in mind at the same time, resulting in the narcissistic individual's tendency to keep conflicting feelings apart while only focusing on one of them (Daniel, 2007). Narcissistic individuals are therefore unable to view a person as someone they love when they feel angry at them. This explains the explosive narcissistic rages and hostility towards their partner.

Narcissistic Abuse

narcissistic abuse (abuse by an individual with a narcissistic personality disorder) takes place in cycles. The cycle of abuse enacted by a narcissist is that of love bombing, devaluation and subsequent discarding (MacKenzie, 2015). Love bombing involves elaborate expressions of love, purchasing of lavish gifts and preferential treatment. The devaluation stage involves abuse, smear campaigns and projections of the narcissist’s characteristics on the victim. Spreading of false information and victim-blaming takes place to cover up the narcissist’s tracks, gain a harem of supporters for narcissistic supply and preserve a reputation that is already tainted.

The discard stage consists of silent treatment/ghosting of the victim. Around this time, the narcissist might have already groomed their new victim. The narcissist cannot be without narcissistic supply thus they are usually triangulating numerous victims while they are in a relationship with their primary supply. Victims of narcissistic abuse usually develop symptoms of PTSD after the encounter. They may be lashing out, pleading, begging, apologizing profusely, crying regularly, questioning their reality, experiencing intense feelings of fear, blaming themselves, all of which is not how they were before their encounter with the narcissistic individual (MacKenzie, 2015).

The victim of narcissistic abuse might find themselves experiencing shame because of the way they were acting during this encounter. This is an indication that they have a conscience. It is wise to acknowledge that an emotionally healthy individual responds strongly to emotional abuse, especially one enacted by a narcissistic individual that idealizes, devalues, and discards them repeatedly (MacKenzie, 2015).

Narcissism in Relationships

Psychopathic relationships are characterized by fantasy beginnings, quickly followed by identity erosion and cold-blooded devastation (MacKenzie, 2015). The relationship can go from planning a wedding in a matter of weeks, only to find yourself in the hands of a partner that criticizes your body and calls you craze. Most survivors of narcissistic abuse find that their lives were relatively stable before the narcissistic individual walked into their lives. They had steady jobs, a healthy self-esteem, stable finances, and normal day to day insecurities. By the end of this relationship, the victim might have exhausted their finances, had fights with their family members and friends and be unable to keep a job due to poor mental health.

Usually, the narcissist has a harem of women that they can triangulate (Arabi, 2016). Some narcissists are recyclers and triangulate their partners. As soon as they get tired of/fight with one, they move on to the next one. This may lead to numerous women waiting for the narcissist to finally commit to them. Usually, these women do not know of the other ladies in the narcissist’s life due to their ability to conceal their identity by wearing different masks for everyone they meet (Arabi, 2016).

The narcissist is a serial cheater that is unable to commit to one woman/partner. One woman might think she is his soul mate, another may be waiting on him to propose, another might be frustrated that he has not paid child support, one may be going through the love bombing stage receiving preferential treatment and one may be healing her wounds from the devastating abuse she has just experienced (Arabi, 2016). This form of behaviour exposes partners to sexually transmitted diseases due to the narcissist’s hypersexuality and primitive/infantile libidinal impulses. Sexual and aggressive impulses are amplified within the narcissist and this can lead to domestic violence as well as lack of autonomy in reproductive health (Daniel, 2007).

What most partners do not know is that their partners' emotional maturity is fixated at an infantile/young age. This explains the immaturity, narcissistic rages (like tantrums), need for validation, need for instant gratification, deficits in logical reasoning and inability to put themselves in another’s shoes. Experiences of trauma at an early age/ family influence are believed to be the cause of narcissism. Adult narcissists, therefore, use sophisticated versions of childlike responses.

Stockholm Syndrome

A victim of abuse may find themselves developing feelings of trust and love for their narcissistic partner. This is termed Stockholm syndrome (Louise, 2020). This is a psychological bond that develops between a victim of abuse and a perpetrator. Abuse such as sexual abuse, psychological abuse, physical abuse, incest, and emotional abuse take place for years. Over time, this leads to Stockholm syndrome which is a coping mechanism to abuse.

"Why Stay? Why can't you just leave?" - Unknown

Addiction to Trauma Bonds

Stockholm syndrome is usually termed a 'trauma bond'. Trauma bonds develop because of intermittent abuse and positive reinforcement by the narcissist towards their partners. the extreme changes in treatment lead to a hormonal shift (resembling that of cocaine on the brain) which hooks an individual and keeps them coming back for more. The rewarding high is achieved when the narcissist shifts from devaluation and discard to love bombing (Louise, 2020).

Individuals that grew up in abusive environments may have a hard time moving on and staying away from a narcissistic relationship because chances are, they were conditioned in childhood to accept abuse and may not be aware that the head-spinning time they spent with the narcissistic individual was in fact unadulterated abuse. Leaving a narcissistic relationship can be gut-wrenching and may require an individual to gather all avenues to set themselves free from this toxic dynamic.

Regardless of the situation, help is always available. Board-certified psychologists are trained to identify such insidious abuse and the first step is to make that call. In most cases, victims of narcissistic abuse are labelled as craze and outsiders do not believe them when they talk about their experiences. This occurs because of the false image and charm that the narcissist enacts in the public eye. The narcissist only reveals their true self within the confines of a private space where nobody else can see it. Reach out and your loved ones will be waiting for you to come back to them.

You do not have to suffer in silence….

Out of your vulnerabilities will come your strength- Sigmund Freud

References

American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). Arlington: American Psychiatric Publishing.

Arabi, S. (2016). Becoming the narcissist’s nightmare: How to devalue and discard the narcissist while supplying yourself. New York: SCW Archer Publishing.

Daniel, V. (2007). Object Relations Theory. California: Sonoma State University.

Louise, R. (2020). The dysfunctional dance of the empath and the narcissist: Create healthy relationships by healing childhood trauma. Dallas, Tx USA: Library of Congress Control.

MacKenzie, J. (2015). Psychopath Free: recovering from emotionally abusive relationships with narcissists, sociopaths, and other toxic people. New York: Berkley Paperback.

Nosipho Myeni - Educational Psychologist [Bachelor of Art (Psychology and Anthropology), BSocSci Honours (Psychology), Masters Ed. (Educational Psychology and Special Education)]