Is It Okay to Drink in Front of My Sober Loved One?
For someone in recovery for an alcohol use disorder, this time of year brings some distinct challenges to the forefront. The plain fact is that our culture is in love with alcohol.
The plain fact is that our culture is in love with alcohol. During the holiday season or any time of year, this reality is played out with parties and gatherings often steeped in alcohol.
In 2020, as the world works its way through a global pandemic, the opportunities to gather and party it up was dramatically reduced. However, the question at hand, should you drink in front of your sober loved one, is still going to be relevant going forward no matter what is going on in the world.
Generally, there are two different ways to view this dilemma: 1) The person in recovery is responsible for his or her own sobriety, and 2) It is never okay to drink in front of someone in recovery. However, there are some grey areas to consider as well. Let’s explore this issue a bit to help decide the best action to take with your loved one.
Go Ahead and Ask
Each person in recovery for alcoholism is different, with different needs and circumstances. Where someone with 20 years of sobriety may not be triggered if their date orders a glass of wine at dinner, another person with the same track record might be. If you know that your date, spouse, family member, or friend is in recovery, then just go ahead and ask them if they are okay with you having a drink. Do not make it a big deep discussion topic; simply ask the question casually when this situation arises. Of course, this does not pertain to alcohol abuse or bingeing in front of a sober loved one—that should never occur. Ever.
When it comes to someone just starting out their recovery journey, there is zero deliberation needed. It is a predominately agreed-upon fact that a newly sober individual is very vulnerable to relapse. While they may have successfully completed detox and treatment, they have not yet had enough time in recovery to sharpen their sobriety skills. Many in early recovery still feel ambiguous about leaving alcohol behind and even romanticize the past. If you truly care about this person you will be supportive of his or her recovery efforts and know instinctively not to drink in front of them.
Try Looking at It This Way
The question of whether to drink in front of someone in alcoholism recovery boils down to whether you can put aside your own desire to drink for their sake. When you care about someone you should be willing to support the efforts they are making to improve their life and health.
Imagine if your sibling was battling obesity, trying her hardest to lose weight. Would you invite her over for lunch and serve calorie-ridden foods and desserts—or worse yet, indulge in these foods while she picks at a salad? If your dad has heart disease and has gone to great lengths to reduce his risk for a heart attack, would you take him out to a steakhouse and scarf down a thick juicy steak and stuffed baked potato in his presence? These acts would be pretty cruel, right?
Try applying this logic to your sober loved one. Do you want to see your loved one succeed in his or her efforts to overcome the disease of addiction? Do you stand in their corner?
Do You Want to Help or Hinder Your Loved One?
Think about how relieved you were when your loved one finally decided to enter treatment for their alcohol use disorder. In most cases, this defining moment occurs only after a great deal of damage has been done by alcoholism. Your loved one had most likely suffered serious losses, such as job losses, damaged relationships or divorce, loss of child custody, financial losses, and even loss of their health. To see your loved one finally
getting the professional help
they need is indeed a cause for celebration.
So then why would anyone choose to threaten that person’s recovery once they complete treatment? If the loved one is a spouse or family member you probably participated during the family-focused therapy sessions in rehab. Surely you vowed to be supportive of their recovery goals. Why then even consider drinking in front of them, especially in the first few years of recovery when they are still learning the ropes and settling into a new sober lifestyle? Ask yourself if you want to help this person succeed, or to hinder his or her efforts by potentially triggering them by drinking in their presence.
Sober Support is Always Appreciated
When someone makes the critical decision to enter treatment they take a pivotal step toward improving or even saving, their life. But rehab is just the start point of a lifelong journey. No doubt this person will be counting on close friends and family members to provide sober support as they move through recovery. Never forget that alcoholism is a progressive and relapsing disease of the brain. By its very nature beating the disease into submission is a gargantuan task. This loved one needs to know they can count on you to buttress their efforts, especially in the early phase of recovery.
Knowing whether it is okay to imbibe in front of your recovering loved one is something to work out directly with them. Long termers may be fully comfortable with you sipping a glass of wine when you go out to eat or enjoying a beer at a ballgame you attend together. But for the newbie, drinking in front of them will only make them feel badly. Worse, your actions could be a catalyst for relapse.
Yes, people in recovery must take responsibility for their own recovery. Ultimately, they are the only person with the power to break the old habits and wrest themselves free of the grip of alcoholism. For them it is an hourly, daily, weekly, monthly, yearly battle. If their loved ones could make any supportive contribution to these efforts it will be forever appreciated.
About the Author
Geoffrey A. Booth, M.D. is the Medical Director of LifeSync Malibu , an exclusive rehabilitation program located in the heart of Malibu. Dr. Booth has treated thousands of addicts over the years and now has dedicated most of his clinical time to providing medical care and detoxification to clients who suffer from substance abuse. He is committed to helping them establish the foundations for long-term sobriety. While not working, Dr. Booth has a rich personal life filled with activities surrounded by friends and family.
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Important:
TherapyRoute does not provide medical advice. All content is for informational purposes and cannot replace consulting a healthcare professional. If you face an emergency, please contact a local emergency service. For immediate emotional support, consider contacting a local helpline.
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