Is It Normal to Hate Therapy?

By Team TherapyRoute

Many people feel frustrated, bored, or angry about therapy, and some dread each session. Others keep attending while quietly resenting the work. The feeling is common.

Hating therapy does not always mean therapy is failing. Some of the discomfort belongs to the work itself: facing what you have avoided is unpleasant while it is happening, and that is not a sign of a bad therapist.

Sometimes, though, the problem is a poor fit with your therapist. The difference matters, because the two call for different responses.

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Why therapy can feel hard

Therapy often asks you to face feelings you have avoided. It can bring up old fear, grief or shame. Feeling upset or tired after a session does not mean something has gone wrong.

Some of the deepest work in therapy involves painful emotions. Many people pull back when the distress increases. That can look like going quiet, changing the subject, or forgetting what you meant to say. None of it is unusual.

Leaving therapy early is also common. Dropping out means stopping before the work is finished. A review of 669 studies of adult psychotherapy, covering 83,834 clients, found an average dropout rate of 19.7%, about one in five¹. The figure moves with how dropping out is counted: around 18% where it means not finishing a course of treatment, and 37.6% where the therapist is the one who judges it¹. An older review of 125 studies put the average nearer half, at 46.9%². Disliking the process is part of many people's experience.

A rough patch is not always a wrong fit

A strain in the working relationship with your therapist is called a rupture. That relationship is usually described as having three parts: the bond between you, the goals you have agreed, and the tasks you do together³. A rupture is tension or a break in any of them.

Ruptures are a normal part of most therapy. What happens next is what counts.

Ruptures tend to take two forms. In a withdrawal, you pull away and go quiet, or you comply with everything and say nothing of what you actually feel. In a confrontation, you voice anger or dissatisfaction to the therapist directly⁴. Neither means therapy has gone wrong, though both need to be spoken about.

Repairing a rupture is linked to better outcomes: across eleven studies of 1,314 patients, resolving a rupture was moderately associated with a better result from therapy⁵. Repairing ruptures is also one of the strategies identified for keeping people in therapy rather than losing them from it¹. The difficulty itself can become the most useful work you do, provided it is named and worked through rather than left in silence.

Disagreement about goals works differently. While it stays unsaid, nothing gets corrected. Bringing client and therapist closer on what the work is for is among the recognised ways of reducing early leaving¹, and that begins with saying it.

Is it you, the therapist, or the fit?

Three questions help sort out why. Answer each one honestly. Each answer suggests a different next step.

Could it be the work, and you?

Change is uncomfortable, and speaking up about it is harder still. Many people struggle to voice concerns or to assert themselves, in therapy as much as anywhere else. The difficulty may belong to the process rather than to the therapist. That is worth checking first.

One pattern is worth noticing in yourself. Silently rejecting everything the therapist offers tends to make things worse over time, because the disagreement never reaches the person who could answer it. Saying it aloud changes that.

Expectations matter too. Talking through what therapy involves, what your part in it is, and roughly how long it may take is one of the recognised ways of reducing early leaving¹. Past hurt in close relationships can also make speaking up harder. Silence then costs more than the conversation would.

Could it be the therapist?

Sometimes the therapist is genuinely part of the problem. A therapist can be rigid, disengaged, or short on empathy. None of those are small complaints.

Some conduct is more serious than that. A therapist may repeat outside the room what a client said in session, breaking the confidentiality the work depends on. A therapist may cross a personal or professional boundary. A therapist may stay passive when the work needs direction, or keep working from an assessment that never fitted.

A review of 51 qualitative studies, drawing on 936 statements from clients, sorted negative experiences of therapy into four groups: the therapist's misbehaviour, unhelpful aspects of the relationship, poor fit between the treatment and the person, and harm from the treatment itself⁶. That last group is the one worth naming plainly: therapy can leave a person worse off than before.

Could it be the fit?

Two capable people can still be a poor match. Where your goals and the therapist's goals differ, the work can reach an impasse and stop making progress. Neither of you has to have done anything wrong.

Fit also depends on shared expectations. When client and therapist expect different things from the work, the bond and the shared tasks can both suffer. Saying so out loud is usually more useful than waiting for it to improve on its own.

Warning signs worth taking seriously

Some patterns call for a direct conversation. A few call for a change of therapist.

When people describe therapy that failed them, the accounts fall into those same four groups: the therapist's conduct, the relationship, the fit, and harm from the treatment itself⁶. Which of the four it is matters, because each calls for a different response.

Some behaviour is a clear reason to leave. A therapist who breaks confidentiality or crosses your boundaries has failed you, whatever else the work has given you. Your judgement about that is sound.

Leaving is not the only route open to you. In most countries therapists answer to a registering or licensing body, and serious concerns can be raised with it. Your therapist should be able to tell you which body they are registered with, and it can usually be found online. Talking it through with another clinician first can help you decide whether you want to take it further.

What to do next

Disliking therapy does not mean you should quit. It means you have information about what is not working. The four steps below use it.

1. Name it in the room

Tell your therapist how you feel about the therapy itself, not only about what brought you there. Say it plainly. Good therapists can change their approach to repair the bond. Most people find this conversation hard, which is a reason to prepare for it rather than avoid it.

2. Get clear on your goals

Ask yourself what you actually want from therapy, in terms specific enough to notice when it happens. Setting clear expectations with your therapist early on helps. Shared goals give the work a direction, and make it possible to tell whether anything is changing. Vague goals are hard to meet.

3. Work out the cause together

If the work has stopped making progress, say so. The first step is working out the cause together, because the remedy depends on it. From there you can decide what to change, or whether to change anything at all.

4. Consider a different therapist

Sometimes the fit is simply wrong. Poor fit between the person and the treatment is one of the four groups of negative experience clients describe⁶, and it is not a verdict on either person. Changing therapist is a reasonable decision, not a failure.

If you decide to move on, take time to choose the next one carefully. Our guide on how to find the right therapist can help.

A final word

Hating therapy is common, and it is worth taking seriously rather than ignoring. The feeling concerns the work, the therapist, or the fit between you. None of the three has to stay as it is.

You are allowed to expect respect and progress from therapy. You are also allowed to ask for something different, or to take that request elsewhere. Speaking up is a reasonable first step.

References

1. Swift, J. K., & Greenberg, R. P. (2012). Premature discontinuation in adult psychotherapy: A meta-analysis. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 80(4), 547–559. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0028226 ↵
2. Wierzbicki, M., & Pekarik, G. (1993). A meta-analysis of psychotherapy dropout. Professional Psychology: Research and Practice, 24(2), 190–195. https://doi.org/10.1037/0735-7028.24.2.190 ↵
3. Bordin, E. S. (1979). The generalizability of the psychoanalytic concept of the working alliance. Psychotherapy: Theory, Research & Practice, 16(3), 252–260. https://doi.org/10.1037/h0085885 ↵
4. Safran, J. D., & Muran, J. C. (2000). Negotiating the therapeutic alliance: A relational treatment guide. New York: Guilford Press. ↵
5. Eubanks, C. F., Muran, J. C., & Safran, J. D. (2018). Alliance rupture repair: A meta-analysis. Psychotherapy, 55(4), 508–519. https://doi.org/10.1037/pst0000185 ↵
6. Vybíral, Z., Ogles, B. M., Řiháček, T., Urbancová, B., & Gocieková, V. (2024). Negative experiences in psychotherapy from clients’ perspective: A qualitative meta-analysis. Psychotherapy Research, 34(3), 279–292. https://doi.org/10.1080/10503307.2023.2226813 ↵