Is it love or emotional dependence

One of the most subtle situations to navigate is learning to understand the difference between emotional dependence and love. This is because they both share very similar characteristics.

Here are some of the signs noticed with individuals who developed unhealthy emotional dependence on their partners or spouse.

a) You are always concentrating on how your partner treats you instead of trying to understand who they are inside

b) You Suddenly begin to create a personality (ideal) of the individual you believe you're in love with

c) You discover that even in past relationships, you have the proclivity to idealize your partners

d) You become traumatized with the thought of losing your partner

e) You feel empty or worthless when your partner is not giving you attention or validating you.

f) You gradually become possessive and a jealous person on account of your partner.

g) You become enamoured by their ability to make you feel so worthy, special or happy.

h) Anxiety and panic attacks take root when you are not around your partner (imagining how things could go wrong because you aren't around them)

I) You get anxious when your partner does not return your calls or text you back (An anxiety rooted in the fact they may have found someone else more desirable)

j) You slowly become obsessed with imagining how you want your partner to be rather than how they already are.

Comparison Between Love And Emotional Dependency (E.D)

a) Love Gives You, E.D Takes: True love is not a needy concept. It's an emotion that truly gives devoid of any form of manipulation or control dynamic. When its true love, you will always support your partner and want them to become their best possible self, achieving all they can. This means that possessing and controlling the other person NEVER features on your agenda.

b) Love Values qualities, E.D idealizes it: When you are in love, you have healthy value for your partner's qualities. This valuation is healthy and doesn't idolize their qualities but rather it treats it as a gift given that must be nurtured and encouraged. Emotionally dependent partners begin to idolize and idealize partners/spouses and their qualities thereby building unhealthy expectations and attachments around them.

c) Love is freely expressed, E.D is hinged on Fear: When you love because you're afraid of losing a partner if you dont, that points to an emptiness that was created out of self-abandonment. An abandonment that now creates an expectation for someone else to fill the emptiness you feel. This becomes the only time you feel safe and loved. Any situation or perceived event that threatens this feeling of happiness will be met with an attempt by the emotionally dependent party to control. Control that tries to manipulate situations to ensure that they constantly get their fix of validation, approval, happiness or sense of worth.

When you are stuck between trying to get love and to be loving all at once, you will always find out that your need to "get love" will always win. This will always make you control and manipulate situations that kill "true love". On the contrary, when you focus on being loving, you are always on the lookout for activities and opportunities to express your love and it opens you up to truly love yourself and your partner.

Ways To Eradicate Emotional Dependency From Your Relationships

a) See yourself as valuable - If you see yourself as valuable, you will always appreciate the value others bring to the table but never revere it. An appreciation that stems out of self-confidence and healthy self-esteem.

b) Truly Love yourself - This is one of the easiest statements to make but it's also one of the hardest to live up to. Many people do not love themselves but would rather put their needs, opinions etc on the backburner. They then proceed to convince themselves it's coming from a place of care for their partner's wellbeing rather than honestly assessing the situation and telling themselves the truth that they have forgotten how to love themselves. Find out what you enjoy doing, make a list of potential hobbies, pick a new positive craft and indulge in it, take yourself out sometimes, practice self-care and so many more.

c) Discover your own inner Beauty - If you do not know what makes you beautiful inside you will always appreciate other people's beauty (inner positive qualities, talents, gifts) whilst trivializing yours.

d) Give Yourself Attention & Approval - This is key if you want to have healthy relationships with others. If you do not understand the approvals you ought to give yourself, you will hand over your joy to someone else and then become sad when they refuse to give you the approvals that were yours to begin with.

I hope learning to discover your essence and healthily loving yourself is something you begin practising. We must teach our children the art of truly loving themselves as well because this is how we kill the cycle of emotional dependency.

Written by Temple Obike, a licensed marriage and family therapist, speaker, author and psychotherapist who has counselled over one thousand, two hundred clients comprising of couples, individuals, abuse victims (substance, physical, emotional and sexual) and grief-stricken clients. His practice also provides options for both online and on-site services. His passion for empowering and uncovering the secrets to lifelong marriages and personal development led to his new book titled “Soul Bodega” available on Amazon and across other online and traditional stores. Never give up on yourself! You are a journey through various destinations. Let’s connect (@templescounsel) on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn.