I Am Tired of Controlling Everything Around Me

Being a psychologist and a mother of four children I feel the title of this article very closely.

Phrases about motherhood come to mind: ‘Becoming a mother, a woman forever deprives herself of the right to be weak.’ ‘A mother's heart is a universal abyss of love, care and forgiveness.’ Somewhere one may agree and somewhere one may not.

In life we sometimes ‘overplay’ with the care of children, show hypercontrol. The reasons may be different, among them, symbiotic relationship with the mother. Not all mothers are capable of unconditional love and acceptance. The mother may be depressed, traumatised herself (Green's «dead mother»). In this type of situation, ‘her eyes are turned inward on herself.’ In this state of affairs, the child suffers chronic rejection trauma (symbiotic trauma according to Ruppert) that leads to attachment disruption. The result of this trauma is the child's fusion with the mother, which prevents the child from separating from the mother.

In the trauma of the parent, the child records rejection (the parent's own trauma, frustrations over the child's need for love), resentment, unfulfilled hopes (what else is there to do to be loved/accepted? ), pity (how they suffered), rescue (I will do anything to make you feel better, I will live for you), belonging (if I am not like you, I am betraying you), idealisation of parents, guilt when manifesting one's own feelings, desires, aspirations, fears (including those adopted in combination with one's own).

In our work with client A., we came to the situation where the daughter was waiting for love from her mother when the mother was young and was in frequent conflicts with her husband, the daughter's father. The energy of creation, love, was wasted on constant conflicts. In the work it was possible to apply a method of energy retention. The client suggested that about 90 per cent of the energy goes into holding the expectations of love from the mother. Having regained these expectations, the client's inner state changed, the client was ready to receive the flow of energy in the form of a river. Energisation helped the client to change his view of the world. The world after that inside comes the flow of energy, the world, despite its unpredictability, it is interesting and the client allows himself to live in it without avoiding it.

No one owes me = another trap of our view of the role of mother. A role that involves unselfish and unconditional acceptance of our children, of their actions. Like the flow of a river that is directed one way, likewise our needs to transmit love do not imply a reverse ‘me to you and you to me’ movement. The love and care that a mother passes on to her child is sent further down the lineage, from the child to her child. However, ‘You owe me, I raised you’ is a phrase we often hear.

Further, the misconception of the formation of family hierarchy leads to the creation of a co-dependent relationship between child and mother and the child serves as a narcissistic extension of the parent. When the father beats or humiliates the mother and the mother fails to fight back, falls victim, the daughter may conclude that to be a woman is humiliating, it is better to be strong like a man. And a son may conclude that to be a man is to betray his mother and become a tyrant like his father. It is better not to be a man. A negative image of one of the parents (especially of their own sex) shapes the child's decision ‘I will not be like my mother(father)’. Furthermore, when parents are unhappy with their marriage partner but cannot express it directly, they project it onto the child. Phrases like, ‘You're just like your daddy,’ ‘Not my breed.’

Parents see their children as an investment in their future: they give birth and take care of their children, even sacrifice a lot for them in the hope that they will fulfil their dreams and plans or take care of them in their old age. The message is ‘Don't live for yourself, live for me!’ - When a parent has a specific expectation of what the child should be like.

Very often the controlling position is that of a so-called saboteur. In this case, we ask the client, who did you not see while you held control of the situation. How many resources were spent to fulfil expectations. Perhaps a so called ‘be strong’ psychological driver will come out in the therapy process.

According to C. Jung, the search for control is essentially a search for lost love. In therapy we look at what is behind the desire for control, analyse the benefits of this situation, and apply resolving methods of emotion and imagery therapy.

Resources

Verywell Mind - Discusses how letting go of the need for control can improve your well-being.

Psychology Today - Emphasises the importance of focusing on what’s within your control, rather than trying to manage everything. It encourages a mindset shift for greater peace.