Gottman Method

The Gottman Method is a research-based approach to couples therapy developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman. Based on over 40 years of research with thousands of couples, this method helps partners build stronger relationships by improving communication, increasing intimacy, and resolving conflicts in healthy ways. The approach focuses on practical skills and strategies that couples can use to create lasting, loving relationships.

---

How It Works

The Gottman Method is built on the "Sound Relationship House" theory, which identifies seven levels of a healthy relationship:

The Seven Levels:

• Build Love Maps - Knowing your partner's inner world
• Nurture Fondness and Admiration - Focusing on positive qualities
• Turn Toward Each Other - Responding to bids for connection
• Accept Influence - Being open to your partner's input
• Solve Solvable Problems - Working through conflicts constructively
• Overcome Gridlock - Dealing with perpetual problems
• Create Shared Meaning - Building a life together with common goals

What to Expect in Therapy

Initial Assessment:

• Both partners complete detailed questionnaires
• Therapist observes how you communicate and interact
• Discussion of relationship history and current challenges
• Development of treatment goals specific to your relationship

During Sessions:

• Learn specific communication techniques
• Practice conflict resolution skills
• Work on building emotional connection
• Homework assignments to practice between sessions
• Regular check-ins on progress and goals

Typical Process:

• Sessions usually last 50-90 minutes
• Treatment often takes 12-20 sessions
• Can be done weekly or bi-weekly
• Both individual and couple sessions may be used
• Focus on building skills you can use long-term

Key Techniques and Skills

Communication Skills:

• Soft Start-up- Beginning difficult conversations gently
• Repair Attempts - De-escalating during conflicts
• Self-Soothing - Managing your own emotions during stress
• Compromise - Finding solutions that work for both partners

The Four Horsemen to Avoid:

• Criticism - Attacking your partner's character
• Contempt - Showing superiority or disrespect
• Defensiveness - Playing the victim or counter-attacking
• Stonewalling - Shutting down or withdrawing

Conditions It Helps

The Gottman Method can help couples dealing with:

• Communication problems
• Frequent arguing or conflict
• Feeling disconnected or distant
• Trust issues or infidelity recovery
• Life transitions (marriage, parenthood, retirement)
• Sexual intimacy concerns
• Blended family challenges
• Cultural or religious differences
• Financial stress

Benefits

• Research-based - backed by decades of scientific study
• Practical skills - tools you can use immediately
• Positive focus - builds on relationship strengths
• Flexible approach - adapted to each couple's needs
• Skills you keep - the techniques are yours to go on using once therapy ends²
• Prevention-focused - helps prevent future problems

What Makes It Unique

Scientific Foundation:

• Based on observation of over 3,000 couples
• Reported high accuracy in predicting divorce, within their own research samples
• Continuously updated based on new research
• Uses assessment tools to measure progress

The prediction claim is worth a word of caution, because it is easily misread. The figures come from statistical models built on the same couples they were then used to predict. An independent analysis found accuracy of this kind falls sharply once the models are tested against couples who were not used to build them.¹

Practical Approach:

• Focuses on specific, learnable skills
• Provides concrete tools for daily use
• Emphasises small changes that make big differences
• Balances acceptance with change

Finding a Gottman Method Therapist

Look for therapists who:

• Are trained and certified in the Gottman Method
• Have experience working with couples
• Are licensed mental health professionals
• Participate in ongoing Gottman training
• Can explain the approach clearly

Questions to Ask:

• What level of Gottman training do you have?
• How long have you been using this method?
• What does a typical treatment plan look like?
• How do you measure progress in couples therapy?
• Do you assign homework or exercises?

Self-Help Resources

Books by the Gottmans:

• "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work"
• "What Makes Love Last?" (about infidelity recovery)
• "The Relationship Cure" (about emotional connection)

Online Resources:

• Gottman Institute website with articles and exercises
• Gottman Card Decks app for conversation starters
• Online courses and workshops
• Assessment tools to evaluate your relationship

Research and Effectiveness

The Gottman Institute reports that couples who complete Gottman Method therapy:

• Have significant improvements in relationship satisfaction
• Show better communication skills
• Experience reduced conflict and increased intimacy
• Maintain improvements over time, though how long gains last after couples therapy of any kind is among the less well evidenced questions in this field
• Have lower divorce rates than untreated couples

Those are the developers' own findings. Placing them in context: a review of couple-therapy outcome research published between 2010 and 2019 identifies four approaches as well-established, namely behavioural, cognitive behavioural, emotionally focused and integrative behavioural couple therapy. The Gottman Method is not among them, which reflects how much independent trial evidence has been published rather than a finding that the method fails.²

Many couples find its ideas genuinely useful, and the skills it teaches are shared with other approaches that do carry that classification.

Remember

Healthy relationships require ongoing effort from both partners. The Gottman Method provides a roadmap, but success depends on both people being willing to learn and practice new skills. Even small changes in how you interact can lead to significant improvements in your relationship over time.

References

1. Heyman, R. E., & Smith Slep, A. M. (2001). The hazards of predicting divorce without crossvalidation. Journal of Marriage and Family, 63(2), 473-479. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2001.00473.x ↑

2. Doss, B. D., Roddy, M. K., Wiebe, S. A., & Johnson, S. M. (2022). A review of the research during 2010-2019 on evidence-based treatments for couple relationship distress. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 48(1), 283-306. https://doi.org/10.1111/jmft.12552 ↑

The four sources below are published by the developers of the method or by their institute. They are the right place to read what the approach sets out to do, and they are not independent evidence that it works.

The Gottman Institute. (2024). The Gottman Method. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/about/the-gottman-method/

Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2017). The natural principles of love. Journal of Family Theory & Review, 9(1), 7-26. https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/jftr.12182

Gottman, J. M. (2014). What predicts divorce? The relationship between marital processes and marital outcomes. Psychology Press. https://www.taylorfrancis.com/books/mono/10.4324/9781315806808/predicts-divorce-john-mordechai-gottman

Gottman Institute Research. (2024). Research on the Gottman Method. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/about/research/