GIVE Skills

Definition

GIVE skills are interpersonal effectiveness techniques from Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) that help you maintain and strengthen your relationships while addressing conflicts or making requests. These skills focus on preserving the connection with others even when you disagree or need to have difficult conversations.

What GIVE Stands For

The GIVE Acronym

G: Be Gentle in your approach and tone

I: Act Interested in the other person's perspective

V: Validate the other person's feelings and viewpoints

E: Use an Easy manner with humour and lightness when appropriate

When You Use GIVE Skills

Relationship Preservation Goals

You can use GIVE skills when you want to maintain a close relationship while addressing an issue, need to have a difficult conversation without damaging the connection, want to show respect for someone you care about, or hope to resolve conflict while keeping the relationship strong.

Balancing Your Needs with Relationship Care

GIVE skills help you address your needs while also caring for the relationship, showing that you value the other person even when you disagree, and creating an atmosphere where both people feel respected and heard.

Be Gentle (G)

What Gentle Communication Looks Like

When you're being gentle, you use a kind and respectful tone, avoid attacking the other person's character, speak calmly even when you're upset, and choose words that don't blame or criticise harshly.

Avoiding Harsh Communication

You can be gentle by avoiding name-calling or insults, not using threats or ultimatums, staying away from sarcasm or put-downs, and refraining from bringing up past mistakes that aren't relevant to the current issue.

Gentle vs. Weak

Being gentle doesn't mean being weak or giving up your needs. You can be both gentle and firm, expressing your needs clearly while treating the other person with kindness and respect.

Example

Instead of saying "You're so selfish and inconsiderate," you might say "I felt hurt when you made plans without checking with me first."

Act Interested (I)

Showing Genuine Interest

When you act interested, you listen actively to what the other person is saying, ask questions to understand their perspective better, give them your full attention during the conversation, and show that you care about their thoughts and feelings.

Active Listening Techniques

You can show interest by putting away distractions like phones, making eye contact when culturally appropriate, nodding or using other body language to show you're listening, and asking follow-up questions about what they've shared.

Even When You Disagree

You can be interested in someone's perspective even when you don't agree with it. Understanding their viewpoint doesn't mean you have to change your mind, but it shows respect and can help you find common ground.

Example

You might say, "Help me understand why this is important to you" or "I'd like to hear more about how you see this situation."

Validate (V)

What Validation Means

When you validate someone, you acknowledge that their feelings and perspectives make sense from their point of view, even if you see things differently. Validation doesn't mean agreement; it means understanding and acceptance of their experience.

Ways to Validate

You can validate by acknowledging the other person's emotions, recognising the logic in their perspective, understanding their situation and circumstances, and showing that you take their concerns seriously.

Validation Examples

You might say, "I can see why you'd feel frustrated about that," "That makes sense given what you've been through," or "I understand why this would be important to you."

When Validation Feels Difficult

Sometimes validation feels hard, especially when you're hurt or angry. Remember that validating doesn't mean giving up your own perspective; it means acknowledging that the other person's experience is real and understandable.

Use an Easy Manner (E)

What Easy Manner Looks Like

When you use an easy manner, you keep the conversation light when possible, use appropriate humour to reduce tension, smile and maintain friendly body language, and avoid being overly serious or intense about every issue.

Appropriate Use of Humour

You can use humour to lighten the mood, but make sure it's not at the other person's expense, doesn't minimise serious concerns, and feels natural rather than forced.

Reading the Situation

Not every situation calls for an easy manner. You'll need to judge whether lightness is appropriate based on the seriousness of the issue and the other person's emotional state.

Example

You might say "I know we're both pretty stubborn, so this might take a while to figure out" with a gentle smile, or use self-deprecating humour to reduce defensiveness.

Research and Evidence

What Studies Show

Research demonstrates that GIVE skills significantly improve relationship satisfaction, reduce conflict escalation, increase cooperation and understanding, enhance emotional connection between people, and support long-term relationship stability.

Using GIVE Skills Effectively

Combining with DEAR MAN

GIVE skills work best when combined with DEAR MAN. While DEAR MAN helps you get your needs met, GIVE skills help you maintain the relationship while doing so.

Timing and Context

Consider the timing of your conversation, the other person's current emotional state, the importance of the relationship to you, and the seriousness of the issue you're addressing.

Authenticity Matters

GIVE skills work best when they come from a genuine place of caring for the relationship. If you're just going through the motions, the other person will likely sense that.

Common Challenges and Solutions

When You're Very Angry

If you're extremely angry, you might need to use emotion regulation skills first before you can genuinely use GIVE skills. It's better to wait until you can be authentic in your care for the relationship.

When the Other Person Is Hostile

Even if the other person is being difficult, you can still use GIVE skills. Your gentle, interested, validating approach might help de-escalate their hostility.

When You Don't Want to Preserve the Relationship

GIVE skills are specifically for relationships you want to maintain. If you don't care about preserving the relationship, you might focus more on DEAR MAN without as much emphasis on GIVE.

Cultural and Personal Considerations

Cultural Differences

Different cultures have varying norms around directness, emotional expression, and relationship maintenance. You can adapt GIVE skills to fit your cultural context while maintaining their relationship-preserving function.

Individual Relationship Dynamics

Your history with the person, the nature of your relationship, and your communication patterns will influence how you use GIVE skills most effectively.

Professional Applications

If You're Receiving Treatment

Your therapist should help you practice GIVE skills through role-playing, identify relationships where these skills would be helpful, work through any resistance to using these skills, and support you as you implement them in your relationships.

For Mental Health Professionals

When teaching GIVE skills, you should emphasise the relationship preservation aspect, help clients practice authentic validation, address concerns about being "too nice," and support clients in adapting skills to their cultural context.

Relationship to Other DBT Skills

Integration with Other Modules

Mindfulness: Helps you stay present and aware during relationship interactions

Emotion regulation: Supports managing your emotions so you can focus on the relationship

Distress tolerance: Provides tools for handling relationship stress and conflict

Wise mind: Guides balanced decisions about when and how to use GIVE skills

Building Your GIVE Skills

Practice Opportunities

You can practice GIVE skills in everyday interactions, start with less emotionally charged conversations, use them with people you feel safe with first, and gradually apply them to more challenging relationship situations.

Self-Reflection

Notice how others respond when you use GIVE skills, pay attention to how these skills affect your relationships over time, identify which GIVE skills come most naturally to you, and work on developing the skills that feel more challenging.

Your GIVE Skills Plan

Relationship Assessment

Consider which relationships are most important to you, identify patterns in how you handle conflict, notice where you might be damaging relationships unintentionally, and set goals for improving your relationship maintenance skills.

Implementation Strategy

Start with one or two GIVE skills that feel most natural, practice in low-stakes situations first, combine GIVE skills with DEAR MAN for maximum effectiveness, and track how your relationships change as you use these skills.

Moving Forward

Building Stronger Relationships

As you practice GIVE skills, you'll likely find that your relationships become stronger and more satisfying, conflicts are resolved more easily, and people feel more comfortable coming to you with concerns.

Long-term Benefits

Regular use of GIVE skills often leads to deeper, more trusting relationships, improved conflict resolution abilities, increased emotional intimacy with others, and greater overall relationship satisfaction.

Conclusion

GIVE skills provide you with practical tools for maintaining and strengthening your relationships while still addressing your needs and concerns. These skills help you show care and respect for others even during difficult conversations, leading to stronger, more satisfying connections.

References

1. Now Matters Now. (n.d.). GIVE skills. https://nowmattersnow.org/skill/give/ ↑

2. Child Mind Institute. (n.d.). DBT for parents: How dialectical behaviour therapy can help you and your child. https://childmind.org/article/dbt-for-parents/ ↑