FAST Skills

Definition

FAST skills are interpersonal effectiveness techniques from Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) that help you maintain your self-respect and integrity during interpersonal interactions. These skills ensure that while you're working to get your needs met and preserve relationships, you don't compromise your values or lose respect for yourself in the process.

What FAST Stands For

The FAST Acronym

F: Be Fair to both yourself and others

A: No unnecessary Apologies for things that aren't your fault

S: Stick to your values and don't compromise what's important to you

T: Be Truthful and honest in your communications

When You Use FAST Skills

Self-Respect Goals

You can use FAST skills when you want to maintain your integrity during difficult conversations, need to stand up for your values without being aggressive, want to avoid compromising yourself to please others, or need to preserve your self-respect while resolving conflicts.

Balancing Self-Respect with Relationships

FAST skills help you care for relationships without losing yourself, maintain your values while being flexible on less important issues, and build confidence in your ability to handle interpersonal challenges authentically.

Be Fair (F)

What Fairness Looks Like

When you're being fair, you consider both your needs and the other person's needs, avoid taking advantage of others or letting them take advantage of you, make reasonable requests rather than demanding everything you want, and look for solutions that work for everyone when possible.

Fair vs. Unfair Requests

Fair requests are reasonable given the circumstances, consider the other person's situation and limitations, don't ask for more than you'd be willing to give, and respect the other person's right to say no.

Fairness to Yourself

Being fair also means not giving up everything you want just to avoid conflict, not accepting treatment that violates your boundaries, and not sacrificing your important needs to make others happy.

Example

Instead of demanding, "You have to do all the housework because I'm busy," you might say, "I'm overwhelmed with work this week. Could we figure out a way to share the housework differently?"

No Unnecessary Apologies (A)

When Apologies Are Appropriate

You should apologise when you've actually done something wrong, when you've hurt someone unintentionally, when you've made a mistake that affects others, or when you want to repair a relationship after a genuine error.

Unnecessary Apologies to Avoid

You don't need to apologise for having needs or feelings, for asking for what you want, for saying no to unreasonable requests, for other people's reactions to your reasonable behaviour, or for things that are completely outside your control.

Breaking the Over-Apologising Habit

If you tend to over-apologise, you can practice noticing when you're about to apologise unnecessarily, pause and ask yourself if you've actually done something wrong, replace apologies with other phrases like "thank you for your patience," and remind yourself that having needs doesn't require an apology.

Example

Instead of saying "I'm sorry to bother you, but could you possibly help me?" you might say "I could use your help with something. Do you have a few minutes?"

Stick to Your Values (S)

Identifying Your Values

Your values are the principles and beliefs that are most important to you, such as honesty, fairness, loyalty, independence, family, creativity, or helping others. These are the things you don't want to compromise, even when it's difficult.

When Values Are Challenged

You might face pressure to compromise your values when others want you to do something that goes against your beliefs, when standing up for your values might cause conflict, when compromising seems easier in the short term, or when you're afraid of disappointing others.

Standing Firm Without Being Rigid

You can stick to your values while remaining flexible about less important issues, explain your values to others without being preachy, find creative solutions that honour your values, and accept that not everyone will understand or agree with your values.

Example

If honesty is important to you, you might say, "I can't tell my boss you're sick when you're not, but I can help you think of other ways to handle this situation."

Be Truthful (T)

What Truthfulness Means

Being truthful means being honest about your thoughts, feelings, and experiences, not exaggerating or minimising situations to get what you want, avoiding lies or deception to manipulate others, and being authentic in your communications.

Truthful vs. Brutal

You can be truthful without being harsh or cruel. Truthfulness means honesty, not saying everything you think without consideration for others' feelings.

When Truthfulness Feels Risky

Sometimes being truthful feels scary because you worry about others' reactions, fear conflict or rejection, think lies might be easier in the short term, or believe others can't handle the truth.

Building Truthfulness Skills

You can practice being truthful by starting with small, low-risk situations, being honest about your feelings and needs, avoiding exaggeration or minimisation, and remembering that truthfulness builds trust over time.

Example

Instead of saying "I'm fine" when you're actually upset, you might say "I'm feeling frustrated about what happened earlier, and I'd like to talk about it."

Research and Evidence

What Studies Show

Research demonstrates that FAST skills significantly improve self-esteem and self-respect, reduce feelings of resentment and being taken advantage of, enhance authenticity in relationships, support long-term mental health and well-being, and build confidence in interpersonal situations.

Using FAST Skills Effectively

Combining with DEAR MAN and GIVE

FAST skills work best when combined with DEAR MAN (for getting your needs met) and GIVE (for maintaining relationships). All three sets of skills together help you communicate effectively while caring for both relationships and self-respect.

Prioritising Your Values

When you can't have everything you want, FAST skills help you identify what's most important to maintain your self-respect and what you might be willing to compromise on.

Long-term vs. Short-term Thinking

FAST skills sometimes require short-term discomfort (like conflict or disappointment from others) to maintain long-term self-respect and authentic relationships.

Common Challenges and Solutions

Fear of Conflict

If you're afraid of conflict, remember that avoiding conflict by compromising your values often leads to bigger problems later, including resentment, loss of self-respect, and relationships based on false pretences.

People-Pleasing Patterns

If you tend to please others at your own expense, you can start by identifying your most important values, practice saying no in small situations, remind yourself that healthy relationships require mutual respect, and seek support as you learn to maintain your self-respect.

Guilt About Being "Selfish"

Remember that maintaining your self-respect isn't selfish; it's necessary for healthy relationships. You can't give authentically to others if you're constantly compromising yourself.

Cultural and Personal Considerations

Cultural Values

Different cultures have varying emphases on individual versus collective needs. You can adapt FAST skills to honour your cultural values while still maintaining your personal integrity.

Individual Differences

Your personality, upbringing, and life experiences will influence how you use FAST skills. What matters most is that you maintain your core sense of self while building healthy relationships.

Professional Applications

If You're Receiving Treatment

Your therapist should help you identify your core values, practice using FAST skills in challenging situations, work through guilt or fear about maintaining self-respect, and support you as you build confidence in standing up for yourself.

For Mental Health Professionals

When teaching FAST skills, you should help clients identify their values, address cultural considerations around self-advocacy, practice skills through role-playing, and support clients in building self-respect without becoming rigid or aggressive.

Relationship to Other DBT Skills

Integration with Other Modules

Mindfulness: Helps you stay aware of your values and when they're being challenged

Emotion regulation: Supports managing emotions that arise when standing up for yourself

Distress tolerance: Provides tools for handling the discomfort that sometimes comes with maintaining self-respect

Wise mind: Guides balanced decisions about when and how to use FAST skills

Building Your FAST Skills

Values Clarification

Spend time identifying what's most important to you, notice when you feel good about yourself versus when you feel compromised, pay attention to situations where you tend to give up your self-respect, and practice articulating your values clearly.

Gradual Implementation

Start using FAST skills in lower-stakes situations, practice with people who are generally supportive, build confidence through small successes, and gradually apply these skills to more challenging relationships and situations.

Your FAST Skills Plan

Self-Assessment

Evaluate how well you currently maintain self-respect in relationships, identify patterns where you tend to compromise yourself, notice the consequences of both maintaining and losing self-respect, and set goals for improvement.

Implementation Strategy

Choose one FAST skill to focus on first, practice in situations where you feel relatively safe, combine FAST skills with DEAR MAN and GIVE for maximum effectiveness, and track how maintaining self-respect affects your relationships and well-being.

Moving Forward

Building Self-Respect

As you practice FAST skills, you'll likely find that your self-respect and confidence grow, your relationships become more authentic and satisfying, and you feel better about yourself and your interactions with others.

Long-term Benefits

Regular use of FAST skills often leads to increased self-esteem and confidence, more authentic relationships, reduced resentment and people-pleasing, and greater overall life satisfaction.

Conclusion

FAST skills provide you with practical tools for maintaining your self-respect and integrity while building healthy relationships. These skills help you stay true to yourself while still caring for others, leading to more authentic connections and greater personal satisfaction.