Entitlement

The term 'entitlement' carries more weight these days than you might expect, often associated negatively with the actions of so-called powerful individuals. However, in my work as a therapist with male and female clients alike, 'entitlement' frequently arises, but in a different context. It relates more directly to clients' fundamental right to be aware of, experience, and express their feelings and needs.

Childhood Entitlement and its Evolution

I find that children are innately born with this sense of entitlement: an entitlement to be human. It's natural for them to be aware, experience, and express their feelings and needs. However, during their early development, children often unconsciously surrender this right to maintain their relationships, albeit compromised, with their primary caregivers. The toll this sacrifice takes can be monumental. This concession, though it enables survival of both an emotional and physical nature, embeds deeply into our psyche and significantly impacts our relationships as adults.

The Psychotherapy Process

From my perspective as a psychotherapist, a considerable amount of work goes into identifying and revisiting these unconscious decisions made early in life. We aim to make them conscious, exploring how they influence our contemporary adult relationships. This journey is far from straightforward. It beckons us back to the vulnerability we avoided during childhood and nudges us to scrutinise how we structure our relationships to sidestep it.

The Role of a Secure Feeling of Entitlement

When this sense of entitlement to own, experience, and voice our feelings and needs is not secure, it potentially leaves one extremely vulnerable. Our feelings and needs can feel devastatingly exposed when they are not reciprocated or fulfilled by those around us. At such moments, it may appear that our entire world is collapsing, mainly because our entire sense of self – our value and our existential right – seems threatened.

Adult Relationships and Entitlement

This is where a securely rooted feeling of entitlement steps in. Part of it is constructed during childhood by the experience of occasionally not having expressed needs fulfilled but always having the inherent right to ask, acknowledged. Without this security, we may feel diminished when our requests, for example, for attention, are unnoticed or unfulfilled. Consequently, as adults, we're more likely to carefully construct our relationships to evade the catastrophic outcomes we fear.

The Practice of Psychotherapy

Through my practice, I encounter different defensive patterns individuals use to navigate life. More women, in my experience, tend to place their feelings and desires within others', and conversely, more men have an artificially inflated sense of entitlement. They place their emotions and needs above everything else. In extreme cases, any perceived slight to their entitlement is met with a hostile retaliation. They resort to bullying or manipulation as a means to shield themselves from the profound emptiness they experience when they feel ignored.

Offering of the Therapeutic Relationship

Creating an empathetic therapeutic relationship is often the first step in addressing these issues. Unlike most relationships, the therapeutic relationship is a unique arena where individuals hold the absolute right to be self-centred and express themselves openly. As a therapist, I aim to offer a relationship within the confines of our session time where clients feel free to express and experience their emotional needs and feelings.

What does science say?

The Development of Entitlement in Childhood Research suggests that children's sense of entitlement develops from their interactions with their primary caregivers. Attachment theory suggests that children internalise these early relationships and carry expectations from them into their adult interactions (Bowlby, J., 1978, Attachment Theory and Its Implications). This aligns with your perspective on how our early unconscious decisions determine the construction of our adult relationships.

Entitlement, Vulnerability, and Adult Relationships: How individuals manage feelings of entitlement and vulnerability can significantly impact their relationships. Studies reveal that individuals with high narcissistic traits are likely to feel a stronger sense of entitlement and are more vulnerable to perceived slights (Brown, R. P., Budzek, K., Tamborski, M., 2009).

Key takeaways

• Entitlement starts developing early in childhood from interactions with primary caregivers; children naturally feel able to express and experience their feelings and needs.
• As individuals grow, this feeling of entitlement evolves, often waxing and waning based on the response of the people around them and their experiences in life.
• Psychotherapy plays a crucial role in unpacking these early decisions about entitlement and exploring how they shape current adult relationships.
• When people lack a secure feeling of entitlement, they can experience high levels of vulnerability, influencing how they construct their relationships in adulthood.
• In psychotherapy, the therapist-client relationship can assist individuals in exploring these issues, providing a safe space where clients can express and explore their emotional needs and feelings, leading to healthier perceptions of self-entitlement.

FAQ

What is entitlement in the context of psychotherapy?
Entitlement in psychotherapy refers to a person's belief in their right to experience, express, and be aware of their feelings and needs.

Why is entitlement considered essential in human development?
Entitlement is integral to human development because it validates our experiences and needs, making us authentically human. It begins in early childhood when children innately express and experience their feelings and needs.

How can a distorted sense of entitlement impact relationships?
A distorted sense of entitlement can create an imbalance in relationships and lead to individuals either suppressing their own needs or exaggerating their importance, leading to conflict and resentment in personal and professional relationships.

In what ways does psychotherapy address issues of entitlement?
Psychotherapy addresses issues of entitlement by helping individuals revisit their early decisions about entitlement, understand how they shape adult relationships, and explore healthier ways to perceive and express their entitlement.

How can psychotherapy help someone struggling with a feeling of entitlement?
One important aspect of a therapeutic relationship in addressing issues of entitlement is that it provides a non-judgemental, safe space where clients can freely explore their feelings, needs, and emotions without fear. As the therapy unfolds, clients can gradually develop a healthier sense of entitlement, improving their relationships and overall well-being.

How does early childhood influence our sense of entitlement?
Our interactions with primary caregivers during childhood significantly shape our sense of entitlement. When children express their needs and when they are recognised (though not always fulfilled), they develop a secure sense of entitlement. However, unmet emotional needs can lead to problems with entitlement in adulthood.

Can a distorted sense of entitlement lead to narcissistic behaviour?
In extreme cases, a distorted sense of entitlement can lead to narcissistic behaviour. This may manifest in individuals expecting special treatment, prioritising their needs over others, and reacting strongly to perceived slights.

How can therapy help individuals with a distorted sense of entitlement?
Therapy can help individuals with a distorted sense of entitlement by offering a safe space for them to discuss their feelings and needs. Through the therapist-client relationship, they can reclaim their right to express emotions, have their needs acknowledged, and develop healthier relationships.

What could be a possible consequence of suppressing feelings of entitlement?
Suppressing feelings of entitlement often leads to placing others' needs above one's own. This could result in feeling overlooked, emotionally drained, and difficulty asserting oneself in personal and professional settings.

How can an enhanced feeling of entitlement affect one's relationships?
An artificially enhanced sense of entitlement often leads to relationships being one-sided. Such individuals may place their needs above others, potentially leading to conflict and resentment.

Title (less than 180 characters): "Unravelling the Complexities of Entitlement in Psychotherapy"

Meta Description (Brief summary): Explore the intriguing intersection of entitlement and psychotherapy. Learn about the inherent right to own, experience, and express our emotions and needs, and how it shapes our adult relationships.

Lead-in Teaser (2 sentences): Ever wondered how entitlement influences your relationships and emotional health? Dive into the fascinating world of psychotherapy and discover how understanding your feelings of entitlement can transform your life.