Difficult Conversations: See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil.

Difficult conversations require dynamic perspectives. The old proverb of “See no evil, hear no evil and speak no evil” can be seen from varying angles. The most common one includes the narrative that one must avoid evil at all cost. Don’t look at evil, speak of it or listen to it. In this way, you keep yourself from harm and maintain a sense of purity. One could perhaps add “Do no evil”.

Have you ever considered the possibility that you may be avoiding and refusing to see the evil around you due to fear of addressing it? It may require a concerted effort on your part to stop evil and not plead ignorance. This ignorance allows the perpetuation of harm such as prejudice and discrimination to the point one has to shout to be heard, gesticulate for recognition, strike for change which can create ruptures between self and other.

We develop an inability to see the humanity of one another. Instead, we pour out vitriol, reckless words and put up defences so we can no longer see one another clearly through our cupped ears and muffled mouths. How does this relate to mental health? Research reports that discrimination and prejudice leads to increased levels of stress, lowered mood, increased substance abuse, and decreased ability to make sound decisions (eg May et al, 2014).

Psychotherapy seeks to provide a sacred space where humanity can enter the room and provide an avenue towards healing. One may say that psychology itself negatively contributed to the dialogue of prejudice, discrimination and harm (eg , Harlow et al, 1965, Duckitt, 1992) and we merely change with the times as the wind blows, one day supporting, the next day abhorring the research provided.

The experience of psychological tools for discrimination can be found in the South African context itself with its usage and support for the apartheid system, especially on the topic of psychological assessment where results “confirmed” the inferior intellectual ability of Black compared to White South Africans. There were a few voices that advocated for a different perspective on the discrepancy in cognitive performance as an attribution to the environment and access to education for Black people. This was an example of a difficult conversation that some were willing to have. Essentially, improve access to education and resources and you will find no difference between the performances of Black and White individuals. Their voices were muffled then, they are remembered and listened to now.

All these conversations influence the moment individuals walk into my practice. I can sometimes see the hesitation and the fear of my client where they seem to be asking themselves, “Is this space another place where I am not recognised, where my voice, experience and feelings are stifled and I remain invisible?”

My clients ask me both verbally and non verbally: do you understand the lived consequences of the “ism” I experience? Will you understand my plight? Do you understand how difficult it is for me to get to university? Will you be able to recognise discrimination in the workplace? Please don’t judge my religion, culture and sexual orientation. Are your eyes open but your mind closed? Am I just this privileged person in your eyes? Do you see my anger, pain, shame, guilt, loss even though you look different? “You are after all, what are you? Japanese? Chinese? You are of some Asian descent?”.

I am South African but we can leave that conversation for another day. We need to walk towards one another across the bridge and in intersubjective psychodynamic psychotherapy, create a space where there is a “meeting of minds” (Aron, 1996) and perhaps we can recognise one another through the process (Benjamin, 2018). There are many who have no voices, not because they don’t exist, but because they’ve been muffled. As therapists, we hope to take those hands gently away from their mouths and say that we want to give you time to voice your experience and truly listen.

To truly listen, as therapists, it becomes of great import to explore one’s countertransference (therapists feelings in relation to the client) in the process, lest we become unconsciously alienating in the therapeutic relationship. Kohut (1984) emphasised the importance of keeping the lens of our magnifying glasses clean, thus ensuring an undistorted picture of our client. One way to do so is perhaps to explore the word “consider”. To consider someone else requires a deep and meaningful contemplation of their plight and position.

Consideration can be seen as part of empathy as it requires the ability and willingness to see and experience a position outside of your self. Refusal to consider the other can only lead to rejection, neglect, ignorance and possible discarding of important moments that could bring healing to both parties. It necessitates a willingness to explore our own unconscious bias and taken further, may unearth an undiscovered blindspot within yourself, not necessarily only within the client.

This process affords us the possibility of sharpening our sensitivity towards prejudice. Yes, we may not be able to understand every nuance and aspect of our client’s experience, but we can take the courageous step towards the other, minds connecting and in so doing, ameliorate the harmful effects of “isms” faced. Ah, and how lovely to discover transformed minds, transformed people.

References:

Aron, L. (1996). A Meeting of Minds: Mutuality in Psychoanalysis. Hillsdale, NJ: Analytic Press .

Benjamin, J. (2018). Beyond Doer and done to: Recognition, intersubjectivity, and the third . London & New York: Routledge .

Duckitt,J. (1992). Psychology and Prejudice: A historical analysis and integrative framework . American Psychologist. 47(10): 1182-1193. DOI: 10.1037/0003-066X.47.10.1182

Harlow HF, Dodsworth RO, Harlow MK. "Total social isolation in monkeys," Proc Natl Acad Sci U S A. 1965;54(1):90 –7.

Kohut, H. (1984). How does analysis cure? New York: International Universities Press

Mays VM, Cochran SD, Barnes NW. Race, race-based discrimination, and health outcomes among African Americans. Annual Review of Psychology. 2007;58:201–225.