Are You Breaking Your Own Heart? - Self-Betrayal through Self-Sabotage

Positive Psychology says self-sabotage is "any action that gets in the way of your own goals and desires." In other words, self-sabotage is when we engage in behaviours or thoughts that prevent us from achieving the things we want in life, and thus that can have a significant impact on our life.

Self-sabotage is when we say we want something and then go about making sure it doesn't happen." - Alyce P. Cornyn-Selby

It can prevent us from achieving our goals and leave us frustrated and stuck. Self-sabotage can manifest in many ways, and it's important to understand the different types of self-sabotage to identify them in ourselves and others.

Procrastination

Procrastination is one of the most common forms of self-sabotage. When we procrastinate, we put off tasks or responsibilities until the last minute, leading to stress, missed deadlines, and a lower quality of work. While procrastination may temporarily relieve anxiety or stress, it ultimately sets us up for failure.

Negative self-talk

negative self-talk is a destructive behaviour that can lead to feelings of low self-esteem and self-worth. When we engage in negative self-talk, we tell ourselves that we're not good, smart, or talented enough to succeed. This self-sabotage can limit our potential and prevent us from taking risks and trying new things.

Fear of failure

Many avoid taking risks or trying new things because they fear failing. The fear of failure can be paralyzing, preventing us from pursuing our goals and dreams. When we allow the fear of failure to control our actions, we limit our potential and miss out on opportunities for growth and success.

Perfectionism

Perfectionism is a form of self-sabotage that can lead to anxiety, stress, and burnout. We set ourselves up for failure when we hold ourselves to impossibly high standards. Perfectionism can also prevent us from taking risks and trying new things, as we fear we won't be able to live up to our expectations.

Self-medicating

Self-medicating is a common form of self-sabotage that can have serious consequences. When we use drugs, alcohol, or other substances to numb our feelings or cope with stress, we engage in self-sabotage. Self-medicating can lead to addiction, health problems, and relationship issues, and it can prevent us from addressing the underlying issues that are causing us to self-sabotage.

Engaging in Harmful Relationships

Engaging in harmful or toxic relationships can also be a form of self-sabotage. We may seek relationships that reinforce negative beliefs about ourselves or prevent us from achieving our goals.

These behaviours can prevent us from taking action, making progress, achieving our goals and living more meaningful lives. For example, if we constantly doubt our abilities, we may not pursue new opportunities or challenges that could lead to personal growth and success. Another example is that if we fear intimacy or getting hurt, we may self-sabotage by avoiding vulnerability and keeping our partner at arm's length, depriving ourselves of the pleasure and happiness of a healthy intimate relationship.

So, what causes self-sabotage? Several factors can contribute to this behaviour.

One major factor is past experiences, particularly those from childhood. As children, we learn coping mechanisms and behaviours that help us navigate difficult situations. However, these behaviours may not be helpful or necessary in adulthood. For example, if we grew up in a chaotic or unpredictable environment, we may have learned to avoid taking risks or making decisions. As adults, this can manifest as procrastination or indecisiveness.

Another cause of self-sabotage is fear. We may fear failure, rejection, or disappointment, leading us to avoid taking action or making changes. We may also fear success, which can seem overwhelming or intimidating. This fear can be extreme if we have experienced adverse consequences. For example, if we have been rejected in the past, we may avoid forming close relationships in the future.

Finally, self-sabotage can be caused by a lack of self-awareness. If we are unaware of our thoughts, feelings, and behaviours, we may not realize when we engage in self-sabotage. This can make it challenging to change our behaviour and achieve our goals. In conclusion, self-sabotage is a common problem that can prevent us from achieving our goals and living the life we want.

The humanistic existential view suggests that self-sabotage can be caused by a disconnection from one's authentic self and values. This disconnection can stem from various causes, including:

• Low self-esteem or self-worth
• Fear of failure or success
• Fear of rejection or abandonment
• Difficulty coping with stress or emotions
• Trauma or past experiences of hurt or betrayal
• Lack of self-awareness or clarity on values and goals

To overcome self-sabotage, we need to emphasize the importance of self-awareness, self-acceptance, and a reconnection with one's authentic self. Some possible solutions include:

1. Identify the Root Cause: Work with a therapist or coach to identify the underlying causes of self-sabotage, such as past traumas or limiting beliefs.
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3. Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind and compassionate towards yourself. Learn to accept yourself, flaws and all, and treat yourself with the same kindness you would offer to a friend.
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5. Clarify Values and Goals: Reflect on your values and goals and align your behaviours and actions. This can help you prioritize what is important and reduce self-sabotaging behaviours.
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7. Develop Coping Strategies: Learn healthy coping strategies for stress, emotions, and triggers. This can include mindfulness practices, exercise, or engaging in activities that bring you joy and relaxation.
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9. Seek Support: Reach out to friends, family, or a therapist for support and guidance in overcoming self-sabotage. Having someone to hold you accountable and offer perspective and encouragement can be helpful.

In conclusion, self-sabotage can be a symptom of a deeper issue rather than a character flaw. Self-sabotage can be a difficult pattern to break, but it is possible. Becoming aware of the underlying causes of our behaviour is the first step in making positive changes. It may also be helpful to seek therapy or other support to work through these patterns and develop healthier coping mechanisms.

The humanistic, existential approach suggests that self-sabotage is caused by a disconnection from one's authentic self and values and can be overcome through self-awareness, self-acceptance, and a reconnection with one's authentic self. Individuals can overcome self-sabotage and live a more fulfilling and authentic life by identifying the root cause, practising self-compassion, clarifying values and goals, developing coping strategies, and seeking support.

Authored by a Therapist at ReEvolve Psychotherapy.

-Anvesha Vijay