Acceptance: The Existential-Humanistic Approach

Acceptance is given special importance in the works of existential-humanistic psychologists such as A. Maslow, C. Rogers, J. Bugental, V. Frankl, and A. Laengle. The psychological literature states that the ability to accept is characteristic of a mature, integrated personality with a stable identity and is an indicator of mental health (A. Maslow, G. Allport, K. Rogers, E. Erickson, K. Jung, etc.).

What is acceptance, and why is it so important to feel accepted?

According to V. Dahl's Russian language dictionary, “acceptance” means “to take into account, respect, agree, listen, believe; the opposite is to reject, deny.” Close in meaning to the concept of “acceptance” are “tolerance,” “trust,” “love,” and “wisdom.”

At a sensory level, acceptance (I am accepted) is experienced as warmth, lightness in the body, freedom of movement, the desire to show yourself openly, the feeling that I am valued, that I am significant and important. In contrast to acceptance, rejection (I am being rejected) is experienced as stiffness, a desire to shrink, leave, not be, or a desire to defend oneself, and is accompanied by feelings of shame, guilt, frustration, anger and other unpleasant emotions.

In childhood, children who behave openly and spontaneously expect from their parents unconditional acceptance, approval, and reflection of them as significant, valuable, and loved. Without voluntary behaviour regulation and critical thinking, children depend on adults to evaluate their behaviour and reflect their worth.

If a significant adult shows sufficient tolerance to the child’s natural manifestations in early childhood, if they give constructive feedback on the child’s behaviour at a young age, and if there is emotional contact in the child-parent relationship, the child grows up feeling that they are accepted, valuable and significant, and loved.

On the other hand, if significant adults treat the child’s needs with disdain and shame or emotionally abandon them for “unwanted” manifestations (anger, tears, disobedience, reluctance to share, loud play, etc.), refrain from giving the child detailed feedback and mirroring their feelings, the child feels unaccepted, abandoned, unwanted, and bad. Any form of physical or verbal violence also leads to a child’s feeling of unworthiness.

Very often, adults who did not receive proper acceptance and respect for their own needs in childhood cannot accept their children's natural manifestations. Most often, unknowingly, they abandon, shame, and manipulate their children, passing on a vicious circle of rejection and abandonment.

It is very difficult for a person who was not allowed to laugh loudly, run and play as a child to show patience and acceptance towards similar behaviour of their child because then they must face their childhood loss of spontaneity, which causes severe emotional discomfort. It is very difficult for a person whose parents involved them in physical work from an early age, denying the need for rest and play, to allow their child to have a carefree childhood.

Gradually, the acceptance or rejection of the child’s needs and behaviour by significant adults is internalized into non-acceptance or rejection of these needs and behaviours by oneself. We shame and abandon ourselves for behaviour that was not accepted and tolerated by our parents and significant others.

As a result, “unaccepted” needs, desires, and even single parts of personality are rejected, repressed, and cease to be recognized by the person themselves. By rejecting parts of ourselves that are not accepted by society, we also reject our own integrity and vital energy, which are so important for us to live a fulfilled life that we all desire, a vague longing for which we feel inside.

A person whose wants and needs were not accepted (rejected) by the most significant people in childhood is often unable to independently recognize their right to them and accept rejected feelings or needs without outside help. Rational understanding of the futility of one's own shame and rejection of one's feelings, needs, or desires does not lead to change. Moreover, the feeling of shame associated with experiences of rejection in childhood encourages a person to shut down and go into deep isolation rather than open up and accept help from another person.

This is why acceptance by another person and their friendly and empathic presence is so important. Acceptance becomes a ray of sunshine that, over time, helps to melt the icy armour of defences, process the feelings of anger, disappointment and grief associated with childhood rejection, and develop a more sensitive, gentle and loving attitude towards oneself. Acceptance is what a person who has experienced rejection in childhood needs the most. That is why empathy is a key characteristic of a psychologist.

A person's self-acceptance reflects their relationships with self. It shows that the person is well acquainted with different aspects of their personality and has a tolerant attitude towards them. This does not mean condoning or encouraging behaviour that causes harm to others. It's more about recognizing your humanness and allowing yourself and others to make mistakes.

Another important aspect of acceptance is the ratification of a person’s abilities and limitations, which comes from a good acquaintance with self and an understanding of a person’s values, goals and resources. In accepting rejected parts, spontaneity, desires, and forgotten dreams often return to a person, as well as the energy to realize them.

Acceptance and developing self-care is a lifelong process that requires patience and acknowledgement of each small step towards wholeness. It is important to remember the beginning of the journey to see your progress and your present limitations and to form realistic expectations for yourself.

A. Laengle considers the ability to “move through life with open eyes” a sign of existential maturity. The goal of his existential analysis is to help a person gain internal agreement with the fundamental conditions of existence: acceptance of the given of life, acceptance of one’s life (its quality), the right to be yourself, and acceptance of one's future, which ultimately are the motivations that underlie all other human motivations ("fundamental motivations").

He writes: “To exist (to have existence) means to specifically discover internal agreement with four aspects: yes - to the world; yes - life; yes - Person; yes to meaning,” and such fourfold internal agreement testifies to fulfilled human existence ( A. Laengle, 2002)

Thus, we can consider acceptance and self-acceptance as fundamental aspects of an integrated personality capable of living an authentic, genuine life, having an open personal position, and having an existential worldview.

References

Laengle, A.(2002). Existential fundamental motivation, International Society for Logotherapy and Existential Analysis, Vienna

Resources

Wikipedia - Explains acceptance as acknowledging reality without resistance, which benefits mental health and can be applied to self, others, and life situations.

Positive Psychology - Focuses on self-acceptance as a key to well-being, encouraging embracing both strengths and flaws to reduce self-criticism.

Psychology Today - Discusses how practicing acceptance, especially through mindfulness, can lead to happiness and peace by managing negative thoughts.