5 TYPES OF RELATIONSHIPS

Connections and relationships are easily the most essential elements of the human experience.

Yet, again and again, failure happens, or what we wish for doesn’t come true. A connection breaks, or it never even happens in the first place.

We feel disconnected, resulting in disappointment, inconvenience, or pain, especially when they are dear to us. In no time, we start struggling emotionally—drama and misery. We get upset, hurt, anxious, or angry, sometimes all at once.

If we look a little closer, relationships don’t just occur with other people, but also with family, friends, partners, animals, life in general, the environment, or the planet. Likely, the most important relationship a single human being has is the relationship with themselves. It’s your relationship with yourself, my relationship with myself. Our minds are designed this way, with a part that observes and a part that acts.

So naturally, one may ask, “How can we live as our best company?”

The following communicative model may offer a simple, clear guideline and insight into this topic that is oh-so-dear, important yet equally confusing and irritating to us.

Imagine There Are 5 Types Of Relationships - Which is yours?

The Egoistic

One side only takes from the other. It’s draining the other and carries a sense of entitlement. It considers itself the centre of the universe and ignores the other side.

“My needs must always be met. I deserve better. I deserve to receive and control, yet I never give back. Me. Me! Me!!!

The Self-Sacrificing

Here, only one side keeps giving to the other, yet receiving in return is not allowed. They may even consider themselves unworthy from the start and try to make up for this unworthiness by demanding perfection from themselves.

“No mistakes allowed. You always need to do your best.”

Interestingly, a self-sacrificing partner and an egoistic one can form a bonding relationship. The result is codependency. While this connection can indeed find stability, the likelihood for it to flourish is highly unlikely.

The Miserable

This relationship generates connection through past experiences, which is enjoyable. Still, it misses out on the present moment; with that, it misses out on the only time that life is happening. Now.

The miserable relationship is mainly focused on preserving something it already has; likely, it’s afraid of losing it. Because of this, it creates stagnation and a lack of motivation to change anything. It’s mostly concerned with maintaining an image to the outside. It’s stuck in the past, whether a memory, illusion, or fantasy.

“Oh, the good old days when things were better if it weren’t so terrible now…”

The Trans-Actional

Here, one side is willing to give something back, but only if it receives enough reward. Due to this expectation, there is constant stress and anxiety, a sense of lack, and permanent unhappiness. As a result, this leads to rumination and greed. Greed for power, possession, and pleasure.

Over 4,000 years ago, King Hammurabi of Babylon wrote extensively about this injustice and discrimination. Social Psychology has failed to disprove Hammurabi’s thesis of reciprocity, showing that if you connect and share with a calculating, transactional attitude, both sender and receiver will always receive only a lack in return. With this mindset, what you get in return will rarely be enough, and even when it is enough, there is no real happiness as only the expectation is fulfilled.

On the other hand, if resources are limited, the transactional relationship is likely the way to go. It’s about sacrificing and finding a compromise both sides can live with.

The Cooperative

This relationship is not always possible, especially when resources are limited. But when it is possible, it is clearly favourable.

The true team spirit. Here, one side acts with the best intentions for the other. When it gives, it gives without calculation or expectation, yet it doesn’t forget to set boundaries. It’s constructive and establishes a mutual responsibility. It flourishes.

In the cooperative relationship, needs and expectations are detrimental to the connection. Instead of lowering expectations or needs, they are changed and expressed as flexible preferences and wishes on one side, or as boundaries on the other.

This kind of relationship works best when it pursues a mutual goal while practising unconditional acceptance. As human beings are fallible, naturally, failure will happen, yet if we maintain a cooperative attitude, we can overcome obstacles and create miraculous things.

If you are stuck in one of the first four relationships, ask yourself, “How can you shift your perspective and attitude to become cooperative?”

However, if the cooperative relationship becomes constant, it is unnecessary to be dogmatic about it. A controlled frenzy may offer variety, playfulness, and a thrill in one of the other four relationships.

Shifting your relationship into a cooperative one will make it easier to establish it with others, with life, and the planet.

Credit where credit is due: Milenko Vlajkov, a Serbian Psychology Professor and International Supervisor for Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) shared this concept in a lecture about Personal Development and Meditation in 2022. It’s derived from Taoist philosophy, its concept of the 5 elements, and Western psychology.

If you like what you read, yet struggle to put this concept into action, feel welcome to reach out and get in touch. I offer help so you can help yourself.