Karin Tissink Smit Specialist Wellness Counsellor

Have we Learned Emotional Regulation?

Do we really ever get taught how to do this, well, as children?

Are we hushed when we cry?

Are we ignored when we fall or make a scene?

Are we asked if we know what we really want, so we can try to identify our needs and fill those needs ourselves?

Then suddenly, we’re expected to act “mature” by hiding our emotions and suppressing our needs. We learn that this is the “way things are done”, and so we follow along, until we don’t.

This thought occurred to me after my husband told me about his day. It was a day filled with presentations and training sessions hosted by him and a colleague, all the while, numerous people continued to leave repeated voice and text messages, some of which were quite emotional. Now, there are many avenues to consider when thinking about this; however, I was drawn to the number of different times he has mentioned this happening. In many cases, it’s someone’s different perceptions of what is happening, combined with their communication skills, in particular active listening, but also emotional understanding/ awareness of themselves and their emotional regulation in the moment. But what does emotional regulation mean? We all get this wrong here and there and in different situations. For example, by blowing things out of proportion, or not having a clear understanding, or when we are in a bad space and are a little more emotional than usual.

In considering my husband’s story, I realised that this (getting emotional) is something I have done, that I have seen or heard, in various settings. I tried to think back to whether I was taught how to do this as a child, but I could not really recall anything. So, I guess this gives rise to the saying “we blame our parents for our problems”, but this is not about assigning blame. This is about growth and awareness. The research has shown that what we learn growing up is how we learn to operate as adults in life. Times have moved on though, we know more now than we did yesterday, and that is just reality. What we know about parenting, development, and psychology is different to what our parents, grandparents and great-grandparents knew, and they did what we are doing, which is the best we can.

As we move through life, perhaps there is a point where we realise that what we know of “how to be” no longer serves us. When we reach this point, we may take a journey of personal development, but if not, how do we learn to regulate our own emotions and begin to teach children?

To start, we need to learn to recognise what we are feeling. Yes, that swear word, feel/feelings. Although this is sometimes thought of as new-age nonsense, it is essential for emotional regulation. After all, how can we regulate what we don’t know?

What many people have been taught is not to pay attention to the emotions, to shut them down or push them away. Because when you do that, you stop reacting, you don’t embarrass yourself, and no one knows. Good Job!

Well, research has contradicted this theory and shown that this tactic only keeps the emotions hidden and feelings unidentified, not gone, and when all those feelings decide to show you they exist, many times it’s anything but quiet and hidden. So, we have to start by allowing ourselves to feel and experience our emotions, so we can recognise and name these feelings. Unlike what we may have learnt, no feelings are bad; it’s the way we choose to act/react to them that makes things good, okay or bad.

So now what? You allow yourself to feel, and you are able to identify the feelings. Now you say, great Karin, now I’m a mess, because suddenly I have all these feelings that I still have to hide, great! Well no. There is no hiding in emotional regulation.

How do we do this?

Dr Becky Bailey is the creator of Conscious Discipline, which focuses on the social and emotional learning of children, although she identifies the necessity for adults to learn as well. Dr Bailey’s five steps for emotional regulation include:

1. I Am: The first step is to recognise that you are triggered and need to start regulating yourself.

2. I Calm: In this step, you calm yourself by breathing deeply for a minute or two, look around you and take in your surroundings, or use your senses to identify a sound, smell, image etc.

3. I Feel: Name your feeling.

4. I Choose: Reframe the problem from a positive standpoint and consider alternative approaches and the other perspectives.

5. I Solve: Implement the chosen response that will invite connection instead of isolation.

These steps not only help adults and children alike learn to regulate their emotions, but by following these steps, we also learn to accept our feelings instead of denying them. The knock-on consequence I have experienced, and that I have seen in others, is that you start accepting yourself and others more. It also allows you to empathise more with others, which is an intended goal as highlighted by Dr Bailey.

To reiterate, I have no wish for you to be left with a bunch of feelings (that swear word again) that you don’t know what to do with, or feel you have to hide. My hope is that you read this and realise you are not alone. I had to start learning how to regulate my emotions in adulthood too, and even then, I still have slips. What can I say, I’m only human too!

References

Bailey, B. A. (2011). Managing Emotional Mayhem: The Five Steps for Self-Regulation. Conscious Discipline.

Louw, D., & Louw, A. (2018). Child and Adolescent Development (D. A. Louw & A. E. Louw, Eds.; 2nd ed.). Psychology Publications.