Too many times we are our own worst enemy. We make a mistake or get criticism at work and we magnify that mistake. We feel that the mistake says something significant about us. We have this faulty perception of ourselves that we shouldn’t make any mistakes. We focus on our weaknesses and ignore our strengths. Our inner voice says, “You shouldn’t have done that!”

All people have two different inner voices – the one that says positive statements and the one that says negative statements. The problem is that typically the negative voice is much louder than the positive one. We need to learn how to turn up the volume of the positive voice and turn down the volume of the negative voice. The first step in doing this is to become aware of the negative voice – notice when it’s happening. A second step is to know where that negative voice comes from.

Interestingly, the negative voice is probably a protection – we have a fear of failure and are protecting ourselves from that. If we criticize ourselves, we won’t be as upset when someone else does it. It likely stems from a fear of disapproval of a caregiver during childhood. We may be internalizing our parent’s judgements and criticisms.

This is not about blaming parents, it’s about understanding what’s going on and changing it. If you understand why your internal voice is so strong, you can do something about it. You can ignore the negative internal voice and actually say to yourself, “That voice isn’t the truth, I’m going to ignore it.” Then you can replace it with, “I know I can do this. I’ve got this”. Turn up the volume on the positive voice. Give that voice power. Repeat it to yourself even if it’s hard to believe it at the moment.

Think of it as training your brain. Allowing your brain to decide on what thoughts you’re going to have on its own is like letting a car drive itself. You can take control of the thoughts and steer the brain in the direction you want to go. This technique may sound simple. Many people doubt its effectiveness. However, there has been research that shows that it does work. By changing your internal voice you feel differently. When you feel differently, you act differently.

Take a typical negative thought after you get frustrated with your child, “I’m a terrible parent”. Ask yourself if this thought is true. Are you a terrible parent? Probably not. Most people are pretty good parents even if they don’t always do the right thing. You can change the negative thought to “Although I don’t always do the right thing, most of the time, I’m a pretty good parent”. That’s a much more accurate thought than the original thought. And if you can go through this process of changing your negative thoughts, you will end up feeling better about yourself.

Another way to know how to talk to yourself is to imagine you were talking to your friend. What would you say to him or her? You would probably be a lot more positive than you are to yourself. Isn’t it interesting that most people can be so much nicer to others than they are to themselves? We excuse our friends' mistakes and recognize all the positive attributes that our friends have much easier than we do that for ourselves. We need to work hard to focus on and appreciate our own positive traits. Take a look at the following list of characteristics and choose which ones apply to you:

Adventurous, ambitious, appropriate, assertive, astute, attentive, authentic, brave, capable, charismatic, compassionate, competent, considerate, consistent, cooperative, courageous, creative, curious, determined, diplomatic, dedicated, dynamic, easygoing, effective, enthusiastic, expressive, fair, friendly, generous,happy, hard working, honest, hopeful, humorous, imaginative, independent, innovative, intelligent, logical, loving, nurturing, networker, organized, patient, playful, powerful, reliable, resourceful, responsible, sincere, spontaneous, supportive, truthful, warm, wise.

If you can find some positive traits from the list, that says something really great about you! So turn up your positive inner voice, take control of your thoughts and treat yourself as if you were a friend. Soon you’ll feel better and it will become natural to recognize how many positive traits that you have!

Too many times we are our own worst enemy. We make a mistake or get criticism at work and we magnify that mistake. We feel that the mistake says something significant about us. We have this faulty perception of ourselves that we shouldn’t make any mistakes. We focus on our weaknesses and ignore our strengths. Our inner voice says, “You shouldn’t have done that!”

All people have two different inner voices – the one that says positive statements and the one that says negative statements. The problem is that typically the negative voice is much louder than the positive one. We need to learn how to turn up the volume of the positive voice and turn down the volume of the negative voice. The first step in doing this is to become aware of the negative voice – notice when it’s happening. A second step is to know where that negative voice comes from.

Interestingly, the negative voice is probably a protection – we have a fear of failure and are protecting ourselves from that. If we criticize ourselves, we won’t be as upset when someone else does it. It likely stems from a fear of disapproval of a caregiver during childhood. We may be internalizing our parent’s judgements and criticisms.

This is not about blaming parents, it’s about understanding what’s going on and changing it. If you understand why your internal voice is so strong, you can do something about it. You can ignore the negative internal voice and actually say to yourself, “That voice isn’t the truth, I’m going to ignore it.” Then you can replace it with, “I know I can do this. I’ve got this”. Turn up the volume on the positive voice. Give that voice power. Repeat it to yourself even if it’s hard to believe it at the moment.

Think of it as training your brain. Allowing your brain to decide on what thoughts you’re going to have on its own is like letting a car drive itself. You can take control of the thoughts and steer the brain in the direction you want to go. This technique may sound simple. Many people doubt its effectiveness. However, there has been research that shows that it does work. By changing your internal voice you feel differently. When you feel differently, you act differently.

Take a typical negative thought after you get frustrated with your child, “I’m a terrible parent”. Ask yourself if this thought is true. Are you a terrible parent? Probably not. Most people are pretty good parents even if they don’t always do the right thing. You can change the negative thought to “Although I don’t always do the right thing, most of the time, I’m a pretty good parent”. That’s a much more accurate thought than the original thought. And if you can go through this process of changing your negative thoughts, you will end up feeling better about yourself.

Another way to know how to talk to yourself is to imagine you were talking to your friend. What would you say to him or her? You would probably be a lot more positive than you are to yourself. Isn’t it interesting that most people can be so much nicer to others than they are to themselves? We excuse our friends' mistakes and recognize all the positive attributes that our friends have much easier than we do that for ourselves. We need to work hard to focus on and appreciate our own positive traits. Take a look at the following list of characteristics and choose which ones apply to you:

Adventurous, ambitious, appropriate, assertive, astute, attentive, authentic, brave, capable, charismatic, compassionate, competent, considerate, consistent, cooperative, courageous, creative, curious, determined, diplomatic, dedicated, dynamic, easygoing, effective, enthusiastic, expressive, fair, friendly, generous,happy, hard working, honest, hopeful, humorous, imaginative, independent, innovative, intelligent, logical, loving, nurturing, networker, organized, patient, playful, powerful, reliable, resourceful, responsible, sincere, spontaneous, supportive, truthful, warm, wise.

If you can find some positive traits from the list, that says something really great about you! So turn up your positive inner voice, take control of your thoughts and treat yourself as if you were a friend. Soon you’ll feel better and it will become natural to recognize how many positive traits that you have!