How to Repair a Broken Marriage

By Team TherapyRoute

Can a broken marriage really be repaired?

Some troubled marriages recover and others do not. What usually decides the outcome is not how hopeless things feel now but a small set of patterns between two people, and those patterns can change.

Repair work is often started by one partner alone, though it has real limits, and there are marriages where it is not the right goal.

How connection is lost

A marriage rarely breaks in a single moment; more often it drifts, quietly, over years.

Connection is built or lost in small moments, through what Gottman calls bids for connection. A bid is any small request for attention, affection or support. Turning toward these bids builds trust and closeness, while turning away slowly weakens the relationship.¹

In one long study, couples who stayed together had turned toward each other about 86 percent of the time, against 33 percent for those who divorced.¹

When partners keep turning away, each stops expecting to be heard, and resentment usually follows. Affairs often develop just as slowly, and can seem to come from nowhere.²

What actually predicts whether a marriage recovers

Psychologist John Gottman describes four damaging patterns he calls the Four Horsemen: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.¹

• Criticism attacks a partner's character instead of naming one specific complaint.¹
• Contempt comes from a sense of superiority. It shows up as sarcasm, mockery, name-calling or eye-rolling.¹
• Defensiveness is a way of blaming your partner instead of taking responsibility.¹
• Stonewalling means shutting down and withdrawing. It usually appears later, once one partner feels flooded and overwhelmed.¹

Of the four, contempt does the most damage. It conveys disrespect, and that is what makes it so destructive.¹

A repair attempt is any small word or gesture that stops a conflict escalating out of control. Whether a couple can make and accept these attempts is one of the clearest signs of whether the relationship recovers.¹

Most marital arguments cannot be fully resolved, because they grow from lasting differences in personality, values or lifestyle.¹ Many of these differences are perpetual. They never fully go away, so couples learn to manage them rather than wait for a final fix.

The last predictor is willingness: repair asks something of both people, though one partner can begin the change alone.

What repairing a marriage actually looks like

Repair is less about grand gestures than about changing daily patterns.

• Soften how you raise things. A softer start names one specific complaint and what you need, rather than attacking your partner's character.
• Build a habit of appreciation. Small, regular thanks and warmth are the everyday answer to contempt.
• Turn toward the small bids. Answer the small requests for attention instead of letting them pass.
• Make and accept repair attempts. Accept a clumsy peace offering, even in the middle of an argument.
• Take responsibility. Owning your part calms an argument faster than defending yourself.

One reliable habit is a daily stress-reducing conversation, where each partner talks about the day and is heard without judgement.¹ Accepting your partner's influence also counts, as does looking for something you can both agree to.

Rebuilding after an affair or breach of trust

A betrayal breaks the trust a marriage depends on. Recovery from an affair can happen, though it is never quick or easy.²

Often the affair points to real gaps in the relationship that left one partner feeling lonely or unseen. That is not an excuse. Recovery becomes impossible only when the partner who strayed is treated as beyond redemption, rather than as a person who caused deep harm.²

Rebuilding usually means answering the hurt partner's questions openly, cutting off the affair completely, and slowly building a different relationship.³ Both people have work to do. The partner who strayed ends all contact with the affair partner, and gives up the situations that made the betrayal possible.²

Both partners also need an honest account of why the betrayal happened, without shifting all the blame onto one person.² Taking responsibility, rather than making excuses, is part of the healing.

The betrayed partner may carry trauma-like distress for a long time, and that reaction deserves patience.³ Sometimes a single moment of being let down at a time of deep need does lasting damage to trust. One researcher calls this an attachment injury.²

What if only one of you wants to save it?

In many marriages one partner wants to save the relationship more than the other. That is one of the hardest positions to be in. You cannot make another person want the marriage.

Pressure and pursuit usually push an unwilling partner further away. Even when only one partner begins to turn toward the other more often, the relationship can start to improve.²

Individual therapy can help you become steadier and less reactive, whatever your partner decides. It can also help to agree a short, honest period to decide whether to work on the marriage, before committing to full repair.

Can you repair a marriage without counselling?

Some of this work a motivated couple can practise on their own, and some of it needs a professional.

Gridlock means the same argument returning for years without resolution. Where contempt, betrayal or gridlock are present, self-help alone rarely changes them, and couples therapy is worth seeking.

When repairing the marriage is not the right goal

Not every marriage should be saved, and repair is not always the safe or right aim. Where there is abuse or coercive control, safety comes first.

Coercive control means a pattern of fear, threats or control by one partner. In those situations the advice to forgive, be patient or try harder can do harm. Nobody should be pressured to stay.

If you are afraid of your partner, use the crisis resources at the top of this page, or contact a professional you trust. Some marriages are healthier ended. Choosing to leave can be an act of care, for you and sometimes for children too.

Finding a couples therapist, and where to read next

Look for a couples therapist with core mental-health registration with their national regulator. Ask about specific training in working with couples.

You can search for a vetted couples therapist through TherapyRoute's international directory. How to find the right therapist sets out what to look for.

For related reading, TherapyRoute has separate guides on why pre-marriage counselling matters, healthy conflict in marriage, common marriage counselling questions, and couples counselling exercises.

Common questions

How long does repairing a marriage take?

There is no fixed timeline. For most couples it takes months, and often longer, worked at steadily rather than fixed in one go.

Can a marriage recover after an affair?

Yes, for some couples, though it is never quick. It depends on full honesty, ending all contact, and understanding why it happened.

Does marriage counselling work?

Couples therapy helps many couples, but it cannot promise an outcome. It tends to help most when both partners are willing and there is no ongoing abuse.

Can it ever be too late?

Sometimes the honest answer is yes, and sometimes a marriage is healthier ended. Where there is abuse, safety matters more than saving the marriage.

This guide is general information, not personal advice. For your own situation, please speak with a qualified couples therapist.

References

1. [1] Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work (rev. ed.). Harmony Books.
2. [2] Gottman, J. M. (2012). What makes love last? How to build trust and avoid betrayal. Simon & Schuster.
3. [3] Gottman, J. M. (2012). What makes love last? How to build trust and avoid betrayal. Simon & Schuster. Chapter 10 (the Trust Revival Method).