Can a Marriage Survive Without Intimacy? 5 Things to Consider
Explore the significance of intimacy in marriage and discover if a relationship can thrive without it. Learn about the key types of intimacy, warning signs, and solutions to maintain a strong, healthy bond in your partnership.
It is a widely accepted idea that a marriage without intimacy is doomed to failure. Whether or not this is an absolute fact may be debatable. However, most people intuitively sense that intimacy is a critical component of marriage, and most psychological professionals would agree. Suzanne B. Phillips, Psy.D., ABPP., argues that sexless marriages arise from a lack of emotional intimacy. She goes on to state that an intimacy-free marriage can develop from an array of issues all conspiring against the willingness of partners to be vulnerable with each other. She writes, "Sexless marriages involve a loss that remains unspoken and, frequently, unaddressed."
The question is, Can a marriage survive without intimacy? In reality, it is possible but rare. Emotional intimacy in marriage, it can be said, is statistically necessary.
The Role of Intimacy in Marriage
The American Psychological Association defines intimacy as "an interpersonal state of high emotional closeness with those with whom one is in close, loving, or affectionate relationships."
From this, we can infer that sex does not necessarily need to be included in these 'close, loving, or affectionate relationships.' However, the well-understood need of adults for loving sexual contact is certain to fall into the scope of that definition. Therefore, a healthy marriage will include emotionally and physically satisfying sexual activity.
Of course, intimacy is more than just sex. The types of intimacy include but are not limited to:
- Emotional intimacy: the ability to share emotions with one's partner in safety
- Physical intimacy: the ability to touch, be close, share affection, and have intercourse
- Intellectual intimacy: the freedom to share one's thoughts, ideas, concerns, and interests with one's partner
- Creative/Imaginative intimacy: the freedom to share creative efforts or interests with one's partner
Clearly, true/full intimacy goes far beyond mere sex; one person's intimacy needs may vary widely from those of another. In a healthy marriage, the needs for the various types of intimacy between the two partners will match up in a complementary way. In the absence of this, a relationship is likely to be unhealthy.
Emotional Intimacy: The Heart of the Relationship
For brevity, we will refer to intellectual, creative/imaginative, and emotional intimacy simply as emotional intimacy. As such, we can define it as an aspect of relationships varying in intensity and involving a feeling of closeness, sharing personal feelings, and a sense of personal validation.
Without this, marriage becomes more like an ongoing business transaction, lacking the care, support, trust, and acceptance human beings crave and require. In such a scenario, partners will either grow apart, slowly turn against each other or resign to suffer in prolonged silence.
None of these outcomes are desirable.
Physical Intimacy: More Than Just Sex
It is non-controversial that most humans need/desire a physical release of sexual energy. Physical intimacy includes this, but it is much more than that. It includes the ability to show affection, to play, and to be comfortable in close proximity.
Some of the healthiest forms of physical intimacy include a massage given to one's partner after they come home from a long day at work, play, tickling, back-scratching, effortless hugs and kisses and more. Physical intimacy largely expresses an intermingled feeling of trust and affection. While uncommon, a marriage can have great physical intimacy with little or no sex.
When trust, affection, or a sense of safety is lacking, all physical intimacy will likely vanish.
Communication: The Gateway to Intimacy
So, how can we reestablish intimacy where it has been lost? The answer is communication in marriage. If partners can express what is stopping them from feeling the trust or affection needed for intimacy, and goodwill between partners still exists, there may be hope for the marriage.
Often, relationship counselling is needed for this communication to take place. In a professional marriage therapy setting, troubled couples can have ground rules for healthy communication laid down for them. If both partners put forth an honest effort in such a setting, a real emotional connection can be re-established.
In successful relationship counselling, couples often learn that they have different ways of verbally expressing or talking about love. We call these love languages, and when we learn to recognize and understand the love language our partner is speaking the result is often a breakthrough, followed by the beautiful experience of a renewed love bond.
When Intimacy is Lacking: Warning Signs
Intimacy can fade slowly, making its loss hard to spot. Here are some important signs to look for:
- Physical intimacy issues,
- A feeling of distance,
- Neither partner talks about their emotions,
- One partner shares more than the other,
- Touching outside of the bedroom stops,
- Listening to each other is difficult.
These and other early warning signs strongly indicate that trust has been lost. Recovering that trust is critical.
The 5 Things to Consider
1. What types of intimacy does each partner need most?
Different people will need/crave different types of intimacy. Janet Brito, PhD, LCSW, CST argues that different types of
intimacy need to be nurtured
and that a failure to do so can result in a lack of trust.
2. Why or how has trust been lost?
Diagnosing the root of the problem can be like solving a mystery.
Dr. Carly Snyder
writes that rebuilding trust in a relationship requires partners to recognize why they have lost trust and address it in good faith.
3. What is the root of the problem?
The root cause could be communication failure, sexual dysfunction, disagreement, etc.
Dr. Janet Brito
calls communication the foundation of a healthy marriage. Without it, the relationship will crumble.
4. Has the distance developed into resentment or worse?
Marriages have about a 50% success rate in the United States.
Dr Harriet Lerner
writes that people bring baggage from their first families and develop more over time. Strong animosity can develop in the absence of quality communication, making the chances of recovering the marriage increasingly less likely.
5. Learning and respecting your partner's love language
It is widely understood and accepted that people speak of and express love and ideas about love differently.
Conclusion
Intimacy in one or more of its multiple forms is key to the success of any marriage. The lack of intimacy in marriage can mean devastating losses for both partners, financially and emotionally. Fortunately, marriage without intimacy can be recovered, and many years of successful marriage counselling practices have provided the data needed to back that claim up.
To learn more and discover how reevaluating your relationship and seeking professional help could restore the loving bond that you and your partner deserve, get in touch today.
Sources
1. American Psychological Association defines intimacy: dictionary.apa.org/intimacy
2. Intimacy needs to be nurtured: https://psychcentral.com/relationships/nourishing-the-different-types-of-intimacy-in-your-relationship
Important:
TherapyRoute does not provide medical advice. All content is for informational purposes and cannot replace consulting a healthcare professional. If you face an emergency, please contact a local emergency service. For immediate emotional support, consider contacting a local helpline.
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