Being Centered in Yourself Is Not Self Centered

Learning to listen inward, to trust your gut, and honor your needs is the best thing you can do for yourself AND others.

Children, especially girls, are encouraged to behave in ways that please others at their own expense. When they do this successfully, they are called “good,” and they are often rewarded with warmth, kindness and connection.
When they fail to please, they might be called “bad” or “difficult.” There may not be a word, but instead a sigh, an eye roll, or a cold shoulder to let them know they are disappointing.
Growing up with this kind of conditioning leaves women exhausted and resentful, always putting others first to their own detriment. Worse still, it makes other people responsible for determining their worth. Other people are fickle, moody, and myopic. One day they love us. The next, they don’t. One day they are attentive and warm, the next, they are preoccupied and distant. And we pleasers are left wondering what we’ve done or haven’t done to lose their esteem. Maybe we weren’t sexy enough or thin enough or smart enough or funny enough or confident enough - or maybe we were too sexy, too thin, too smart...
When your worth is tied to your ability to please others, you are essentially in a no-win scenario (unless all your relationships are with dogs. Then you’re all set). You have to monitor other people’s moods and continually be winning them over. It’s like an audition that never ends. You’re never really sure you’ve gotten the part.
The anxiety may leave you vulnerable to bursts of anger or jealousy. You may ease your stress and comfort yourself with food or wine or too much TV or Pinterest or shopping on Amazon.
The worst part is the person who is in charge, especially when you’re alone, or down, or things go not-so-well. This person is your inner critic. She developed long ago to make sure you were good enough to be loved. But really, she’s a frightened kid who only knows how to yell and criticize in the hope that you will one day become perfect, and therefore lovable.
It might be time to put someone else in charge. After all, your inner critic has had years to “fix” you, and it’s never worked. What you really need is a deeply loving adult self to take over. And you probably need guidance to find and develop this part of you.
That’s where I come in. I’m like a parenting coach for the good parent within. I teach people how to nurture, protect, soothe and cherish themselves so abundantly that they begin the fill the emptiness inside with so much love, it overflows.
I know how to do this because I too was a pleaser. I had the great luck of finding a therapist who guided me on the same path. At the same time, I was studying how our relationships with parents and loves (attachment relationships) impact our physical and emotional feelings of safety, emotional regulation, and cherishing. These three behaviours create a sense of security - a feeling of value and worth that can’t be shaken.
After ten years of sharing these secure attachment strategies with women who are re-parenting themselves, I have seen that it’s not just me who has benefited. The women I work with have had huge transformations, some finding work that offers more meaning and more money, some changing the role they play in romantic relationships, no longer being “the one who does everything,” but now enjoying more support and partnership, some letting go of “frenemies” and choosing relationships built on trust and mutual respect.
If you feel ready to reclaim your worth and give yourself the secure love always needed, you can start with one small, but powerful, shift. Whenever your inner critic gets activated, try saying, “Thank you for trying to protect me from judgment or rejection. I know you are doing your best to help me get my needs met. It would be more helpful if you could tell me what’s frightening you though.” You might discover something obvious or something that’s been lurking just beneath your awareness.
When you hear what’s scary, you can just validate the fear. “That really would be scary/hard/unpleasant. Thank you for letting me know.”
Of course, this is just a beginning, but this one shift alone can be very powerful in creating a new adult within who can begin taking over for the critic. In time, you might discover that all the love you’ve been striving to earn is yours for free.
In the words of Jerry Lewis (from The Nutty Professor), “
You might as well like yourself. Just think about all the time you're gonna have to spend with you."
If you’re a California resident looking for a therapist, click on my profile picture to learn more about my practice.

Julie is a qualified Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, based in Pleasant Hill, United States.
With a commitment to mental health, Ms Levin provides services in English, including Coaching (Life), Hypnosis and Therapy (Individual).
Ms Levin has expertise in Career Issues, Creativity Issues, Life Balance, Relationship Problems (Co-dependency), Self-Care, Self-Love and Women's Issues.
Click here to schedule a session with Ms Levin.
Important:
TherapyRoute does not provide medical advice. All content is for informational purposes and cannot replace consulting a healthcare professional. If you face an emergency, please contact a local emergency service. For immediate emotional support, consider contacting a local helpline.